I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you're hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it
Any other way.

- Meredith Brooks
"Bitch"

"Oh, Gods, my feet hurt," I complained. I had to sit down again, the fourth time in an hour.

Xena and Joxer exchanged knowing glances.

"You know," Joxer began, "I really think we should go back to Peoria. Gabrielle was getting some great rest there and..."

"Joxer, you know I want to have my baby with the Amazons," I interrupted. "How many times do we have to go through this? I still have three months left. We'll make it with plenty of time to spare."

"Not at the rate we're going," he whispered under his breath.

My eyes narrowed. "What did you say?" I asked ominously.

"Stop it, both of you," Xena scolded. She turned around so we could see her pack on her back with her bundle of joy napping. "If you two wake Eve after how long it took me to get her to go to sleep, I'm leaving you both behind." She sniffed. "Smell the heavily perfumed air? There's a temple to Aphrodite around here somewhere. Let's all get some rest there."

Joxer rolled his eyes. "Xena, I don't need any rest. What I need is to..."

Xena shoved her face into his, causing him to stop in mid-sentence.

"You'll need all the rest you can get after I get through with you if you don't listen and shut up."

Joxer did as he was told.

When we reached Aphrodite's temple, I fell in a heap on the lounger, comforted by the support the pillows provided.

"I could sure use a nice warm bath," I moaned.

The next thing I knew I was naked and in a tub of warm water. Joxer covered his eyes, but peaked between a few fingers. I heard a giggle in the distance.

"Aphrodite," I warned, as I tried to pull my legs to my chest to cover me. This is quite a task to try and accomplish when one is six months pregnant.

She appeared in front of us and pouted. "My, my, it's about time you three visited me. I was beginning to think you didn't love me."

"Well, it took me six months to stop being so angry at you." I pointed at the clear water around me and then pointed to Joxer, hoping she'd get the hint that I didn't want to be naked in front of him.

"Oh, do you want him to join you in there?"

"No!" I screamed, stopping her before she could direct her powers. I smiled, shocked at the strength of my voice. Everyone else seemed just as astonished. Joxer dropped his hands from his eyes in astonishment and then quickly put them back when he realized they had fallen.

"Bubbles to cover me would be nice."

Aphrodite smirked and winked. "Aw, you're no fun." The bubbles appeared.

"Come on, Joxer," Xena said, heading for the door. "I think we can leave her here for awhile."

"What?" I panicked. "Why are you leaving me here?"

Xena turned once she reached the door. "Because you've been an absolute bitch to live with the past few months." She imitated Gabrielle's voice, " 'Oh, I want to sleep with Eve tonight. Can you please take Eve away-she's crying far too much. I want to sleep in Joxer's arms tonight. I want to sleep as far away from Joxer as possible and don't care if I never see him again.' " She paused to catch her breathe.

Aphrodite smiled warmly. "Impressive."

"And this is all in the same night," Xena added.

"That's my girl," Aphrodite winked in my direction.

"Fine," I pouted. "Go. And if you don't come back, I don't care. Do you know why? Because Aphrodite is my friend. She can take care me. Isn't that right, Aphrodite?"

Aphrodite smiled faded. "Uh..."

Xena's eyebrow arched. "Since Aphrodite initially caused this, Aphrodite now has to deal with it until Joxer and I feel we've recovered enough to take her back."

I became incensed. "How dare you leave me, Xena! I never left you once when you were pregnant!"

"You also didn't have a one year old to take care of," she said as she walked out the door.

Joxer stood around, unsure if he was supposed to follow.

"Joxer," I said sweetly, smiling as prettily as I could, "you aren't going to leave, are you?"

He hesitated for a moment until Xena returned him and grabbed him by his back collar. "Bye!" he cried as he was dragged out the door.

I broke down in tears.

"Oh, honey," Aphrodite comforted. She sat down on the edge of the tub, carefully arranging herself so she wouldn't get wet. "It's never easy being pregnant. Nor living with someone who is pregnant. They love you very much. You know they'll be back." When this didn't stop my tears, she tried a different approach. "Don't worry about it. Enjoy being pregnant. It's the one time you get to be a total bitch and get away with it!"

This got a little laugh out of me. I wiped away a few tears. Successful at her last attempt, Aphrodite continued, but unfortunately put her foot in her mouth.

"Besides, you excel at getting away with being a total bitch, so none of this should be new for you."

My tears returned. Aphrodite sighed in exasperation.

"Alright, alright, what are you crying about?"

I tried to think. Why was I crying? I couldn't think of a reason. I really didn't care what Aphrodite thought of me, but not knowing why I was crying only caused me to cry more. "Do you really think I'm a total bitch?"

"Oh, hon, I know it!" She indicated around her temple. "And so does everyone else who knows you. You rank pretty high up there, babe."

My tears were dissipating, but my anger was growing. "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

Aphrodite laughed. "I've definitely improved in the past few years. Even someone as blind as you are to others should see that.

"I'm not blind to others."

"You see what you want to see, not what's actually there."

I scoffed at her comment.

She elaborated. "Joxer's been wearing his heart on a sleeve for years and you didn't notice. You've been too busy traveling the world to find your 'true self'." She gestured with her hands to indicate the quotes. "You thought Livia would listen to you if you went unarmed to her camp, you thought Najara was like Eli. Your intuition is in need of a major tune-up."

When I didn't respond, she continued. "Look, I used to know a girl like you. She tried to find her 'true self" and thought she had. But boy, was she miserable."

Aphrodite paused and took a good look at me. I bit my lip.

"This girl didn't know she was miserable though. She just couldn't admit it to herself. That would be a sign of weakness, which she found totally unbecoming. She kept telling herself that she was happy, that nothing ever hurt or bothered her-hoping that some day she might actually believe it enough for it to come true."

My eyes rose to met Aphrodite's. She smiled.

"But it didn't happen. Mortals kept asking her stupid questions, wanting her to solve all their stupid problems and make them happy when she couldn't even make herself happy. She had enough with it all one day, and decided that it was time to find out who she really was. Well, to make a long story short..."

"Too late," I interrupted.

Aphrodite glared at me before resuming. "She was held hostage by a guy she considered such a loser. Always acting on his emotions without thinking things through, no self confidence, and worst of all no fashion sense." She rolled her eyes at the last one. "But as she got to know him better, and see a side of him that she'd never seen before, that he'd never bother showing anyone before, she knew that this was someone worth loving and worth spending the rest of her immortal life with."

I sadly looked away. I understood now why she was so adamant about getting Joxer and me together. "Aphrodite, I'm not you. I'm far from being you. I know Joxer is someone who is worth loving. And I do love him-just not in that way."

Aphrodite moved her fingers through my hair. "You're trying too hard. Stop trying, stop feeling guilty about not feeling that way. And soon enough, you'll find out that you will."

I shook my head. "That doesn't make any sense."

Aphrodite's eyebrows arched. "Sometimes you don't have to go to India or Egypt or Rome to find who you are or who you love. The only journey you need make is to your heart. It's been pretty cold and neglected recently."

I stared off into the distance and let her words bounce off me. She just smiled.

"Hey, I needed to defrost you somehow."

"And you thought you could do that by making me pregnant? " I asked incredulously.

Aphrodite pursed her lips in embarrassment, but remained steadfast. "Yeah. I saw how crazy you are about Eve. If you could love someone who was half you and half Joxer, I figured it would set you on the path to loving both."

I sighed. It was true. My feelings for Joxer were growing stronger knowing that we'd share a baby. But it wasn't enough. I still only cared for him as a good friend.

My eyes began to well up with tears again. I brushed them aside with my hand, not realizing that my hand was wetter than my face because it had been in the bath.

For the rest of day and a few days after, we rested in mud and seaweed wraps and enjoyed massages from her male entourage. She didn't mention Joxer again and neither did I.

On the evening of the fourth day, Xena and Joxer finally returned with Eve once again asleep on Xena's back. For two people who were supposed to be enjoying time away from me, they looked awfully tired.

"Did you two have fun without me?" I asked with a grin, knowing the answer already from their weary expressions.

Joxer hesitated and looked to Xena for an answer. She grunted in response. This wasn't good enough for me.

"So, Joxer, where did you go?" Niceness dripped through my voice, trying to sugar coat my anger. "Let me guess - Meg's?" From the surprised look in his eye when I mentioned her name, I knew I was right. For some reason, this only incensed me further. "You look so tired. Did she wear you out?"

Joxer's eyes flared and he was about to retort when Xena interrupted.

"We aren't even back 30 seconds and already you're starting, Gabrielle. Just leave him alone." She turned to Aphrodite. "I hope for your sake she wasn't like this the entire time."

Aphrodite grabbed one of her curls and pulled it taut. "No, sometimes she was worse."

I frowned and stomped past Joxer and Xena in the doorway, ready to move on, when Ares and Hephaestus appeared before me at the bottom of the temple steps. Ares had several cuts and bruises across his face and body.

"Xena!" he cried in anger. She turned toward his voice with her arms crossed. "This isn't over."

Her eyebrow arched. "Oh, I think it is. I gave you all those bruises, cuts and scars, and remember I still have the power to do it again. It was over a long time ago. You lost and I won."

"Maybe the battle, but not the war." He ascended the temple stairs slowly. "I have to thank you, really, for giving my men their first taste of blood. You helped those innocent followers of Eli, wanting to spread the word, realize how important armed combat is. You taught them an important lesson, Xena. That people want to kill those innocents who spread the word, just to stop them from talking."

"You and your army were doing a lot more than just talking, Ares."

"Oh really? Could have fooled me. I was getting rather bored. We'd walk into a city and demand a temple be created for Eli, with a subsection for myself of course, and a small altar for Hephaestus. If they didn't build one, heads would roll, and every village followed through and built one. I was getting tired of not having the chance to follow through on a threat."

"You would have found a way somehow," Xena said between clenched teeth.

"I didn't have to find a way, Xena." He slurred her last name and smiled sardonically. "You showed me the way. Just like Eli's spirit is showing everyone The Way."

Xena's lower lip quivered. "You don't care about Eli or his teachings. You're the one who killed him."

"Yes, but now I'm atoning for that sin," Ares mocked. "This is my tribute to the man."

"You disgust me," Xena spat. She descended the temple steps.

Ares looked at Hephaestus and nodded. Hephaestus nodded in return. Ares disappeared and reappeared in front of Xena at the bottom step.

"I'm teaching innocents to fight so they won't be slaughtered when some other religion comes around, so they can fight and stand up for their beliefs. This disgusts you? Funny, I always thought this would be something you'd do."

"Eli taught a message of peace and acceptance. He didn't believe in fighting."

"And look where that got him. If he had stood up to me and defended himself, he would still be alive today to spread his own word. I would have let him live. If I hadn't killed him, someone else would have come around who would. And really, what did I do for him that was so bad? I made the guy a martyr." He looked around and sighed. "For those who influence, who make people think and question their beliefs, conflict is inevitable." He squinted. "You of all people know that, don't you, Xena? I mean, how often do you fight in the name of all that is good and right?' He turned to me. "And you too, Miss Former Goodie Two Shoes."

My previous anger at Joxer turned to fury at Ares. Xena hesitated.

"No more bloodshed, Ares. Go in, build the temple if they want it, then get out."

I couldn't believe what she was agreeing to.

Ares looked into her eyes for a few moments before saying, "Deal. Now you can go lead your life and I can go lead mine."

Xena nodded and began walking away, her back toward us. It was at this point that Eve awoke.

"Dada!" she chimed as she saw Ares in front of her. Xena stopped in her tracks, but did not turn around. Ares' face fell at Eve's word. Xena resumed walking away.

"Dada?" Eve repeated, wondering why Ares was getting smaller. Joxer followed along.

I couldn't believe that Xena wasn't going to do anything more. I stared at Ares, ready to do battle.

He finally tore his eyes from Xena to meet my perilous gaze. "What are you looking at?" His eyes turned to my growing belly. He was about to speak when I stomped up to him and punched him in the face. His head fell back and to the side as my fist made contact, blood shooting out of his nose. He yelped in pain and pinched his nostrils to stop the bleeding. For a moment, I felt surprisingly better.

"If you weren't Xena's pregnant little friend and if my sister wasn't watching us," he growled in a nasal tone, looking up at the temple doorway, "I'd deck you one too."

He reached into his pouch, breathing heavily in anger and frustration. He encircled his hand around whatever was inside and made a tight fist. I thought it might be a handkerchief of some kind, but he soon let go and his hand retreated, closing the pouch.

He turned to Hephaestus and nodded. The two disappeared.

My attention turned toward the distance, at how far ahead my companions were. Didn't they know that I wasn't in any condition to run and catch up with them? Didn't they see that Ares just provoked me into an attack? Did they just not care? They were probably getting ahead of me deliberately in the hopes of leaving me behind again. I swore that when I caught up with them, they were going to hear a mouthful from me.

I was too busy preparing my angry speech to wonder how I was able to draw blood from the God of War.

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