Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.

Turn around, bright eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Turn around

Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be.
Turn around
But every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am.
Turn around

Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you.
Turn around
Every now and then I know there's nothing any better, there's nothing that I just wouldn't do.
Turn around, bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart.
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart.

- Bonnie Tyler
"Total Eclipse of the Heart"

I awoke with a jerk. Well, you know what I mean. I wasn't sleeping with Joxer in his bed roll tonight. Ick- what was I thinking, doing that off and on these past few months? Luckily I'd gotten used to sleeping alone at Aphrodite's, and tonight was the first night the three of us were together again. When Joxer nonchalantly asked if I'd be joining him that night, I told him I wouldn't. He seemed somewhat crestfallen at my refusal, yet he had no trouble falling asleep I noticed, undoubtedly being worn out from the time spent at Meg's. What kind of behavior was that for the father of my child?

I grimaced at the thought and tried to ascertain what woke me so suddenly. Visions of a nightmare were fading quickly - all I could remember was the feeling of angst, no memory of the specifics. It was probably the angst of ending up with a moron as your son's father. Ah well. There was nothing I could do about that now.

I lay back down and tried to fall back asleep when I surprisingly discovered what woke me.

A kick. From the inside. I've been kicked and punched in the stomach during several fights, but those were all on the outside. And unlike the outside kicks, this one was actually satisfying and comforting, reminding me that I had a life growing inside, that I wasn't alone in this, that Virgil and I were experiencing everything as one.

I pushed the bedroll aside, propped myself against my forearms and cooed, unable to sustain my mirth. I turned to wake Joxer and then thought better of it. Wouldn't want to wake him when he had such a tiring few days. Besides, I preferred sharing the news with Xena first anyway.

"Xena," I whispered, poking her with my finger. "Xena!" She stirred and snuggled closer to Eve, but didn't respond. When she left me with Aphrodite to go battle Ares, what kind of a battle did she have with him, to uncharacteristically remain asleep at the smallest sound? "XENA!"

"Huh, what?" she asked, disoriented and turning to me. She yawned. "Gabrielle, what's the matter now?"

I beamed, ignoring her ill-temper. "Virgil is kicking." I grabbed her hand and placed it against my stomach. Of course at that time, he didn't respond. I pursed my lips. "Well, he was kicking." I left her hand on my stomach a little longer, hoping that Virgil would renew his stunts, but he didn't.

Xena smiled through her weary eyes. "That's great, Gabrielle, but I don't think I should be the only one in on this." She pointed to Joxer and joked, "If I have to get up for this, so does he."

I crawled over to Joxer's bedroll, a feat much easier than standing, walking and then sitting again in my present state. Like Xena, he was difficult to wake. I lay beside him and placed his hand on my stomach, hoping that Virgil would start kicking. The little tyke didn't disappont.

Joxer yelped awake at the strange sensation. I laughed and let my anger at him dissipate somewhat. His face softened as he noticed mine beaming close to his. He gasped when he realized where I was holding his hand - and what caused him to awaken.

"Is that...?" he began uncertainly.

I nodded. "It's our son."

Joxer's eyes widened and his mouth grinned. "Good. For a second there I thought you had gas."

Xena snorted at his comment, covering her mouth so she wouldn't wake Eve. I swatted him, pouted and tried to move away.

"I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding," he said reaching out for me and pulling me back toward him. He rested his hand on my stomach again and felt the power of his unborn son's limbs. He reached for my hand and wrapped it with his so I could feel the sensation from the outside as well. Our eyes met for a few seconds, exchanging proud glances, until I turned away and reached for Xena's hand.

"Come on, you should feel this too." I interlaced her hand with ours. She smiled as she felt the movement.

"This little guy is going to be quite a handful. But nothing that you two can't handle."

"Thank you, Xena," we said in unison. She hugged and kissed us and went back to bed. Joxer didn't move away.

"I suppose I should go back to bed too," I suggested. I was about to remove his hand and return to my crawling position when his free hand touched my chin and turned my head toward him.

"Gabrielle," he whispered, looking deeply into my eyes, "could you please stay here beside me tonight?" His gaze faltered as my face reflected surprise. "That is, um, if you want to." He looked at his hand on my belly. "But I'd really like it if you would."

I smiled and squeezed his free hand. I was about to answer when I felt a prodding, a brushing of some sort inside of me. It wasn't solid like a foot. Little digits, so close together that they were barely noticeable as more than a larger unit, pushed themselves underneath our hands. My eyes watered as I realized what Virgil was doing. A few tears fell as I noticed the sheer joy on Joxer's face, as if he too knew what was happening.

"He's trying to hold our hands."

Thank the gods for Argo and Amber. That's all I have to say. Xena found them the next morning. For the next month, I rode on Amber at a slow trot, mostly snoozing the days away. Xena seemed happy again to set the pace for travel. Sometimes she and Joxer would walk, other times they'd ride Argo. The latter didn't happen often - partly because Argo isn't fond of carrying more than one person and partly because Joxer isn't fond of riding horses in general. But even at the slow pace, we were making better time than walking, nearing the Amazon village in which I wished to bear my child. And since I was sleeping more and not exerting my energy as much, I wasn't as irritable - at least according to Xena and Joxer. Personally I thought they held the wrong perception. I'd been rather pleasant during the whole pregnancy. Sure, they rolled their eyes when I stated that fact, but if they only knew all the barbs I wanted to throw at them when they upset me and didn't. When Xena grumbled under her breath because I needed to visit the bushes every half hour, I said nothing. When Joxer tried to help me, at seven months pregnant, mount Amber and failed miserably, I didn't yell in frustration. Usually at these times, I'd feel a rumble within, a love pat of sorts, reminding me that I wasn't alone, that Virgil and I were experiencing everything as one. Like everything else I did, I was in control of myself and the situation. And I had to remain that way for Virgil's sake.

"One, two, three, shoot!"

The phrase brought my thoughts back to the present.

"Hey, you didn't shoot!" Joxer protested.

"Sorry," I said with chagrin. I looked to the mid-afternoon sun and wondered how long Xena had been gone. We'd been camping earlier each day, mostly because I was ravenous for dinner only a few hours after lunch, and mostly because Xena thought I should get more stationary rest. I didn't want to stop- we were only a few miles away from the Amazon village- but my rumbling stomach made the decision for me.

Joxer counted again and I laid my hand flat. Joxer presented his hand in a fist.

"My parchment covers your rock. I win again."

"Best out of a hundred?" Joxer suggested.

I sighed. I was getting tired of playing rock, parchment, shears. When were Xena and Eve coming back to camp with food? I was getting hungry and my back was sore. I arched it, searching for relief. Sitting on a rock with no back support wasn't ideal, but it was the only place I could sit and get up again without assistance. And it sure beat being on my feet.

"In pain again?" Joxer asked with concern.

"Yeah," I moaned. "Less than two months to go. Then I can carry him on my back like Xena does with Eve and feel more back pain as he grows.

Joxer began kneading my upper and lower back. My muscles relaxed under his deft hands. "Well, think of it this way. At least you can take Virgil and his pack off your back when you get tired."

I snorted. "And who is going to take him? You?"

Joxer's face fell as if my words struck him. "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

I frowned and voiced thoughts that had been on my mind for awhile. "What about the times when you're with Meg?" I asked, stressing the word 'times' to insinuate the meaning. "Who will hold him then when I'm tired and Xena has her hands full with Eve?"

Joxer looked me squarely in the eye. "There are no more times with Meg," he stated, stressing the word 'times' in the same manner. "There haven't been any times since I told you that I, that I," he stumbled before deciding on the words, "how I felt."

I stared at him in amazement, remembering that moment over a year ago. "Really Joxer? "

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, really."

"I thought that when you guys left me with Aphrodite you..."

"I went to Meg's to take care of Eve while Xena stopped Ares from threatening more villages. I babysat all the girls' kids too so I could get the practice." He paused and sighed. "I know you got stuck with having me as the father of your child, and I just want to try to be the best father I can. He's already going to have the best mother, so I've got a lot to live up to."

My heart soared at his words. My lower lip quivered. "Do you really think I'll be the best mother?"

He grinned sheepishly. "No, Gabrielle. I know it."

I reached out for his hand and squeezed it lovingly. "Thank you," I answered with a grateful smile.

He blushed. My gaze unnerved him. He stood and tried to change the subject, as if he was afraid to reveal anymore of his heart. "So where do you think Xena is? It shouldn't have taken her this long to catch a rabbit, even with Eve. Do you think we should go looking?"

His hand still in mine, he helped me get to my feet. His eyes widened as he glanced at the spot where I was sitting.

"Gabrielle," he gasped.

I turned quickly and looked behind me. The motion made me dizzy. I saw the blood stains on the rock, felt the trickle of it down my legs as I stood. I didn't remember any of this happening during Xena's pregnancy.

It was my last thought before I fainted.

I awoke and looked around. I was left alone at the campsite. In the distance I could hear Joxer's screams for Xena. They went unanswered.

My breathing was growing heavier as I began to panic. What was happening to me? My eyes affixed on the leafy treetops and the clear blue sky. I did the only thing I could do at the time. I prayed.

"Please let my baby be alright please let my baby be alright please let my baby be alright..."

I didn't even feel the streams of tears until someone stood over me and I noticed that my vision was blurred. The figure wiped my eyes and I saw - Ares. I gasped with a mix of fear and surprise. We stared at each other for a moment before I found my voice.

"Ares, please, do something. Use your powers. Save my... my..." A wave of pain overcame my entire body. I curdled in response, the sweat from my brow mingling with the tears from my eyes. "Please," I pleaded between clenched teeth, waiting for the pain to subside.

Ares' face looked forlorn, as if he was about to panic. "I... I can't do anything, Gabrielle."

"Yes, you can," I insisted. Hot tears returned to my eyes.

Ares ran his hands through his hair and exhaled. He opened his pouch and took out two stones. A piece of fruit fell from the pouch as he removed his hand. It split open on impact with the ground, showing a rotted core.

"Damn't!" Ares cursed. "Fruit that can give immortality, yet it can't last long enough for when you really need it." He angrily scooped up the rotten remains and heaved them into the forest with a grunt.

He turned to me, his anger quickly abating to anxiety. He pounded the stones in his hands together and a ring of light exuded from them, enlarging as it trailed away before finally disappearing from view completely.

"Hephaestus will be here soon," he said with a sigh. "He'll take you to Aphrodite."

I looked at him carefully as the realization hit me. "You never got your powers back."

His face became pained. "Hey, I can still become a god again whenever I want to. I've got more than just a rotten fruit from the Tree of Life in this bag."

"But you've been traveling, disappearing and reappearing, commanding armies..."

He grinned. "Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Hephaestus and I made a deal. He'll help me appear like I'm a god again, and I'll help increase his following by appealing to the followers of Eli. The guy has no people skills. I've got men excited about the prospect of converting people and defending their faith, and with that comes the demand for the best metal for swords to defend it with."

I spat at him in anger, trying to divert my attention from the situation I was in. "If you can become a god whenever you want, why don't you then? What do you need with Hephaestus anyway if you're just going to slaugh..." I trailed off and winced as the pain returned.

He uncharacteristically knelt at my side and held my hand. His brow furrowed. "This is an army of good men, fighting for an unselfish cause they believe in. Xena can surely see the merits in..."

"The ends don't justify the means, Ares," I panted, trying again to ignore the pain. "That's not what Eli was about. Didn't you even listen to Xena? Eli was about peace, understanding and tolerance of others' beliefs. He'd be horrified at what you're doing."

"I'm not doing this for Eli. I'm doing it for Xena to show her I've changed, that I too can fight for good."

I stared at him in disbelief. "You selfish bastard. Are you listening to yourself? What else are you trying to prove? That you can lead the army by only appearing as if you're the God of War again?"

"No!" he screamed angrily and rose in a huff. "I told you I can become the God of War again whenever I want."

"Then why don't you?" I shouted, despite losing my strength by the second.

He answered just as quickly, "Because the Fates told me that if I become a god again, there will be no chance for me with Xena!" As the words escaped his lips, his face fell at the admittance. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to tell myself that none of this was happening. I felt him put something squishy in my right hand.

"Here," he whispered dejectedly. "Take this. This should save you if you get into any trouble."

"I'm not going to get into any trouble," I tried to reassure myself. "The baby and I will be fine."

Xena and Joxer appeared out of the clearing, both out of breath.

"Gabrielle," Xena huffed with concern. Eve was crying in fear, a reaction to everyone else's. Xena took off the backpack with Eve in it and carefully placed it on the ground before rushing to my side. She brushed my bangs away from my forehead as Hephaestus appeared.

"You rang?" he asked. Before he could react to the sight, Ares intervened.

"Take us to my sister's. She'll know what to do."

The next thing I knew, I was on the altar in Aphrodite's temple. The experience was all too reminiscent of another altar I'd been on years before. My panic increased. I recognized the sound of Aphrodite's footsteps as she entered.

"What's going... oh my gods!"

Aphrodite rushed to my side, then turned to her men. "Boiling water- now!" They ran off as she commanded. She turned to Joxer with tears in her eyes. "Joxer, get behind her and support her. She should be sitting on the edge of the altar." Joxer did as he was told, stradling his legs behind me. I leaned against his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around my torso, gently placing his hands on my stomach.

Ares picked up the hysterical Eve and began rubbing her back, speaking to her quietly. He and Hephaestus walked out of the room.

"Gabrielle, you have to calm down," Xena advised, positioning herself between my legs. "You're going to hyperventilate soon."

"I don't care... if I... hyperventilate," I said between puffs. "Just... get me off... this altar."

Aphrodite stood by my left side and tried to comfort me. "There's no place else as good as this. Don't worry, it's clean." The pace of my breathing increased at her inability to understand my misgivings.

"It will be okay, it will be okay," Joxer whispered assuringly in my ear. "Xena won't let anything happen to the baby and neither will Aphrodite." He kissed my temple. "Everything is going to be okay."

With him supporting me on the altar, knowing that I wasn't the only one on it, I began to calm down. Noticing that his attempts were working, he continued. "Sssshhhh... just close your eyes and use your visualization techniques. Imagine that you're taking a bath in the hot springs. There's no one around to bother you." This worked well for a time until a sharp pain hit me and forced me back to the reality. I felt the need to push.

"Oh gods," Xena moaned. Aphrodite gasped.

"What, what?" I asked, my breathing increasing again.

"Nothing, nothing," Xena mouthed. "Just a little more blood is all." Her gaze met mine and I could tell she was trying to hide the fear in her eyes. "Gabrielle, this is going to be painful. The baby is breeched."

I screeched in panic. Joxer winced and held me tighter.

"It will be painful, but the baby will be okay, right?" I asked.

Xena's eyes left my own. Her lip quivered at what she had to say.

"I don't know, Gabrielle. I can't make any promises."

Another wave of pain struck me-the worst yet-and I screamed as it hit. Unlike the others that gradually faded, this one intensified.

"Xena!" Aphrodite cried. "She needs to push!" Aphrodite and Xena switched positions.

"Push, Gabrielle!" Xena commanded, holding my clenched left hand.

I pushed with all my might, tightening every muscle in my body, then leaned back as they contracted, trying to regain my strength. But the pain had only intensified further.

"One more time, Gabrielle," Aphrodite coaxed. "One more!"

I gathered all the strength I could muster and pushed. I was concentrating so intently on the pushing that I barely noticed the pain and blood coming from the lower lip I had inadvertently bitten. The drops couldn't compare to what was on the floor beneath me.

I contracted, expecting the pain to decrease, and found the reverse. Was this going to keep happening? When would this torture end?

"I need you to push again, Gabrielle," Aphrodite coaxed. "Just one last time."

"You said that the first time," I whined as I tried to cope with the pain. The room was starting to spin. I felt so drained. Maybe going to sleep and pushing later would be best.

A slap to my face opened my eyes. "No, Gabrielle, stay focused," Xena lectured, a few tears escaping down her cheeks. "We'll lose you otherwise." She helped position me a little higher. I started crying softly.

"It's no use, Xena. I can't. I just can't. This is just too much..."

Xena positioned her face in front of mine, her eyes blazing with fury. "Don't you dare give up on me now. Take a deep breath." I shook my head and tried to turn away. "Yes. Do it." I continued shaking my head and I closed my eyes to avoid her stare. "DO IT!"

I took one more breath in. I prepared to tighten every muscle. Oh gods, the pain. I contorted my face.

"PUSH!" Xena yelled.

And I pushed with all my might. And finally the pain wasn't as great as it once was.

"Yes!" Xena cheered. "You did it, Gabrielle! You did it! The baby is out! You don't have to push anymore!"

I smiled through my tears and tried to catch my breath. I'd done it. I survived one of the most difficult births. Now all I cared about was holding Virgil in my arms.

Aphrodite rose apprehensively. She looked at Xena and beckoned her to join her. Xena's face fell immediately.

"What?! What's going on?" I asked, my panic returning. Xena grabbed a blanket, wrapped something in a bundle and handed it to one of Aphrodite's male servants, whispering instructions. The male servant nodded and left at once, avoiding eye contact with me.

"What's he doing with that bundle? Where is he going? Where's my baby?"

Xena leaned over me and closed her eyes. Her tears fell on my wrist. When she opened her eyes and looked at me, I suddenly knew the truth.

"Gabrielle, I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"NO!" I replied sharply, shaking my head. I turned to Aphrodite who had begun to sob. "NO!" This wasn't supposed to happen. "Let me see my baby!"

"You shouldn't see it, Gabrielle," Xena advised. "That's why we..." she looked at Aphrodite before her voice trailed off.

"But you didn't even try anything," I sputtered. "You didn't even try!" I dropped my head and wept.

"Gabrielle," Xena implored. "There wasn't anything Aphrodite or I could do. The baby was stillborn..."

I clenched my right fist and pounded it in frustration. Bits of what Ares had given me flew out of my hand and onto the floor. I'd forgotten I even had it.

Aphrodite sniffed, her sobs abating somewhat, and picked up the remnants. "Ambrosia? Gabrielle, where did you get this?"

Ambrosia? I remembered Ares' words. To use it if I needed it. Well, I certainly needed it now! Why hadn't I realized that it was ambrosia before?!

My eyes lit up. "Quick! Go bring the baby back!"

As if realizing where my train of thought was proceeding, Aphrodite shook her head. "Ambrosia won't work on stillborns. It has to be ingested by a body that is or was once alive and sustaining life on its own." She dropped her head. "The baby was only seven months along." Her eyes began to tear again and her voice became a whisper. "The cord was wrapped around its neck for awhile before...

I howled at the top of my lungs and covered my ears. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop calling my baby an it!"

She came to my side and held my right hand, as Xena was still holding my left. "She wasn't ready to be born, Gabrielle."

My eyes blinked furiously, trying to process what she was saying. "She? Wait, that's not right. I have a boy." I suddenly felt a little better. Maybe this was all one big mistake. Babies got mixed up somehow. Some other baby had been taken away, not mine.

Aphrodite looked at Xena with confusion. I turned to Xena as well, expecting her to confirm my thoughts.

Xena looked away. "The baby was a girl. It- she- wasn't a boy."

My body went entirely numb. How could this be? I remained steadfast. "No. That's not so. This baby is supposed to be Virgil. I already figured this out. The souls we meet in one life we meet in the next. Virgil has to meet us someday, and this is how he's doing it. I'm having Virgil!"

Aphrodite began to sob again. "I'm so sorry, Gabrielle. I never meant to hurt you like this. I just thought a baby would make you happy. I gave you a girl because they're a lot easier to handle... I mean, I remember Cupid, and now dealing with a mischievous grandson like Bliss... I just thought..."

"You didn't think," I bitterly replied. I stared at her with white, hot hate. She recoiled as if the gaze was physically painful and looked at the ambrosia in her hand.

"I'll try the ambrosia on her. It can't hurt to at least try. I can do that much." She rose and ran out of the room, the tears streaming down her face.

I turned to Xena and looked at her imploringly. "Will that work, Xena?"

Xena was silent for a moment before shaking her head mournfully. "I saw the baby, Gabrielle. Even if it- she- hadn't... well, she wouldn't have been able to survive on her own."

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "Go tell Aphrodite not to bother. Tell her to just leave my baby in peace."

Xena hesitated, not wanting to leave my side. "Are you..."

"Yes, go!" I said with exasperation. "Just leave me alone for a little, alright?"

Xena looked at me sadly and nodded. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sniffed before leaving.

I sighed when Xena left, letting the tears flow silently, when I felt the body holding me start to shake. Joxer. I'd forgotten all about Joxer. This was his baby too.

He buried his head into my shoulder. I could feel the wetness on his cheeks. And then he began to sob. It caused me to do the same.

We began to rock back and forth, finding comfort in the motion, but by no means finding solace.

"I'm so sorry, Gabby," he heaved into my shoulder. "You know how I'm always messing stuff up. If it had been any other guy as the father, the baby wouldn't have gotten the cord..." his voice trailed off, as he couldn't even put the thought into words. "It's because of me this happened."

"No!" I insisted emphatically, my voice strained from the screaming and weeping. "It's not you. It's me. I'm the one carrying him, uh, her. I shouldn't have ridden Amber as much as I did. I should have rested more. I should have stayed in Peoria like you said." I wiped the tear streaks from my face. "But I didn't listen. Xena didn't need the rest when she was pregnant, so why should I?" I paused as a sob soared through my body. "Oh, Joxer, can you ever forgive me?"

"Gabrielle," he pleaded, "there's nothing to forgive. You did everything you could to keep yourself and the baby healthy."

"But I could have done more!"

"No! I told you before that you're going to be the best mother in the world and I stand by it. You'll just have a little longer to wait." He paused. "Someday you're going to meet and fall in love with the perfect guy, and he'll be able to give you lots of healthy kids who will be easy births."

I bit my lower lip. It was only then that I noticed it bleeding. "How will I know when the perfect guy comes around?"

He leaned back and pulled me toward him. "You'll just know."

I frowned. I had a bad track record of 'knowing' recently. My confidence in my abilities was shattered. I had been in labor twice-once to a girl with an evil father who planned on wreaking havoc, and once to a girl with a good father who unwittingly wreaked havoc. The first lived, the second hadn't. And the second was the one most worthy of life. Taking after her father, her heart would have been pure. I could picture the two in cahoots: her trying to handle a sword when it was too cumbersome and heavy, her father trying to teach her to defend herself without falling, when it truth he hadn't mastered the technique yet. Why could I give birth to a child as evil as Dahak's, but not to a child as good as Joxer's?

No matter what Joxer said, I knew the baby's death was my fault, but for once I didn't argue with him. I knew this would be the last time I'd ever be pregnant again. I didn't want to repeat this pain. The physical aches from giving birth were nothing compared to the emotional and mental torture of losing the child.

I shook at the thought, silently wishing to be put through more physical pain just to see my baby alive and doing well. Joxer buried his head in my hair against my neck, the wetness from his cheeks making me believe that he'd do the same if given the opportunity.

Hours before, a baby I thought was Virgil had been one with me, experiencing the same sensations. Now it was Joxer and I who were feeling the same sorrow.

Our son was our daughter-and she hadn't lived long enough to see the light of day.

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