Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings,
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That's why
I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye
(I fly) Feel so light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
(I fly) Feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life
Gleaming in the dark sea
I'm as light as air
Floating there breathlessly
When the dream dissolves I open up my eyes
I realize that
Everything is shoreless sea
Weightlessness is passing over me
(I fly) Feel so light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
(I fly) Feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life
Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms
(I fly) I feel so alive
This is all I wanna feel tonight
(I fly) I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life
-Nina Gordon
"Tonight and the Rest of My Life"
"'Someone's been sleeping in my bed,' the baby bear cried, 'and there she is.' Goldilocks awoke and... uh, well, uh, Papa Bear grabbed her face in fury and ripped her to shreds with his sharp claws."
"No! You silly!"
"That's not how it goes? Well, mine is much better than the one written here."
I opened my eyes and tried to gain my bearings. I was lying in a bed in a hut. My body felt drained and numb. Late afternoon sunlight poured through the window, lighting Ares and Eve in the corner of the room. Eve was sitting on Ares' lap, the pair looking through the bedtime stories I'd written for her on old scrolls. Eve was giggling at Ares' antics.
I tried to speak but couldn't; my throat and mouth were far too dry. Ares' gaze turned in my direction.
"Hey, look who's awake, Eve."
Eve clapped, slid off Ares' lap and ran to the bed. Ares grabbed her before she jumped on top of me. "Not so fast, little girl. Remember how Mommy talked to you about Aunt Gabrielle being sick? She may be awake, but that doesn't mean she's well enough to play."
Eve's face fell and she groaned.
"Water," I croaked.
Eve rushed toward the bedside table. "Two hands, two hands," Ares warned as he helped her hand me a cup.
I took a sip, wondering why Ares was here with Eve and where Xena was. As if reading my thoughts, Ares responded, "If you're wondering where the others are, they've, um, set up the pyre and they're, um..."
I shot up to a sitting position. The movement made me dizzy, but I fought through it.
"What? Without me? How can they do that?! Why didn't anyone wake me?"
"We tried, Gabrielle, but you wouldn't wake up. Xena said it was probably because of everything you've been through, but she still seemed really worried. You've been asleep for three days. They couldn't wait any longer."
Three days! I rose from the bed, fighting the dizziness and nausea, and forced my limbs to work. I noticed I was wearing the Amazon ceremonial mourning robes, like the ones I'd worn after I killed Hope. I shivered at the thought and pushed it out of my mind. I had to get to the pyre. As I exited the hut, I found myself in the center of an Amazon village. I scanned the horizon and spotted smoke billowing at the outskirts.
"Not yet. Please not yet. Not until I get there," I pleaded to myself, for there was no one around to hear. Ares followed behind holding Eve in his left arm. He offered the right one for support and without thinking I took it, hobbling along as fast as I could.
I arrived just as Xena was about to sing. She stopped and stared at me wide-eyed, relief pouring over her face. She rushed over to me and hugged me tightly. I tried to hide the fact that it was painful.
"Gabrielle, you're awake." She held my head in her hands and looked at me squarely. "We were so worried."
I turned to the burning pyre. I could still see parts of the blanket that covered the... I turned away before I could think the word, looking for a distraction and finding one.
On one side of the pyre but keeping their distance were hundreds of Amazons in ceremonial dress. On the other were an equal number of soldiers, on their knees in prayer. I turned to Xena questioningly, but Ares anticipated my thoughts.
"My army is paying their respects," Ares responded. "It's the least they can do for the lost child of Eli's first prophet."
"First prophet?" I snorted. "Well, as first prophet I have some words of wisdom for them."
Xena stepped forward and began to sing. I gazed at the soldiers, their eyes on the heavens. What were they seeing up there? I turned my head upward and saw nothing but dark clouds.
I scanned the rest of the crowd and noticed Aphrodite and Joxer staring at the pyre and mournfully holding hands. Neither seemed to notice or care that I was awake, alive and well.
Xena stopped her singing. The Amazons began their mourning dance around the pyre. As the flames began to die out, they stopped and assembled by me to offer their condolences. I nodded at each one, not feeling consoled in the least. When they had departed, I noticed Aphrodite and Joxer were no longer around. The soldiers, however, remained in their prayer poses, some even in yoga poses.
"Hey!" I cried. They didn't move or respond, but I wouldn't be swayed from conveying my message.
"Let me give you a little advice as you're sitting their praying," I started, emphasizing the last word angrily. "You shouldn't waste your time. Nobody is listening. I don't care if there are two or two hundred of you. Whatever you want, whatever you love, it doesn't matter- it will be taken away or never given. And why? Because that's life. Because that god of Eli's just doesn't care."
A few of the men looked at me in shock as I continued.
"Most of the Greek gods are gone, their meddling in our lives has ended. But at least they paid attention to us mortals every now and then. This god of Eli's let Eli die at the hands of another god." I glared at Ares before drawing my attention back to the soldiers. "After all Eli did to spread the word of the way - of peace, understanding and acceptance. What kind of gratitude is that? Do you think Eli is up there right now, looking down on us? Is that who you keep looking up in the sky at so imploringly? He's not there! He's nothing! He's dead!" I screamed this last line, trying to get the idea through the soldiers' obviously thick skulls. "If anything he's living the same type of life up there as he was down here. I know because I've seen the afterlife. It's no different than life here- squabbling between good and evil. And why? What's the point? I'll tell you: there is no point."
I paused and sighed, watching the last bit of sunlight escape below the horizon.
"There is no paradise."
I turned on my heel and walked back in the direction I came, avoiding Xena's sad gaze as she took Eve from Ares' arms. My eyes fell on a young soldier with tears running down his face.
"Please forgive her for her words," he muttered to the sky. "Help her find peace. Help her find her own way."
If not for the soldier's sincerity, I would have laughed at the ludicrous plea. I knelt down beside him and looked into his eyes.
"Whatever god you're praying to isn't there and hasn't been for quite some time," I responded calmly, placing my hands on his. "Believe me, I know."
Before he could react, I rose and continued on. I wanted to get as far away from the pyre and the soldiers as I could.
"Gabrielle, slow down," Xena pleaded from behind.
"I don't need to slow down. I'm perfectly capable of keeping this pace."
"I know you're capable. But stop trying to get from Point A to Point B. Look around you."
I slowed and looked at the Amazon village as I walked through it. I had chosen to give birth in this village when I heard it was being rebuilt- it was the site of Ephiny's village before the Romans destroyed it. In the furor to get to the pyre, I hadn't noticed how closely it resembled the old village. It felt like I'd stepped back in time.
"Nice, huh?" Xena asked rhetorically, noting my surprised expression. "Chilapa and a few of the original Amazons from Ephiny's tribe rebuilt it to honor their tribeswomen. It's now the home of the Amazon consulate, a group of wise and respected Amazon elders who keep the peace between tribes and promote good relations with non-Amazons. Each tribe has one representative living and working here."
I smiled sadly. "Ephiny would have liked that."
Xena nodded. "I know."
We strolled back to the hut, neither of us saying a word, as if doing so would break the magical memories we were reliving. Torches were lit along the path that added to the dreamlike aura.
As we neared the hut, Xena broke the silence. "I think you should rest again. You've just experienced a great deal in the past hour."
"No, Xena, I've been resting for the past three days," I insisted. "We should move on. Just let me pack our things and we can go."
Xena looked at me as if I was crazy, but she bit her tongue and thought before speaking. "It's night. How are we going to travel at night?"
"We can take one of these torches," I suggested. Thunder rumbled in the distance.
Xena's eyes rose to the starless sky in response to the thunder. "I guess that takes care of that idea," she joked in an attempt to make me smile.
But I was quite determined. "The lightening can help us find our way."
Xena sighed at her failed attempt and shook her head. "No, Gabrielle. I know I'm a stickler for traveling, but you just barely survived labor. I'm not going to risk your health, not to mention mine, Eve's or Joxer's."
Joxer. I flinched. Where was he? What was he doing? Why hadn't he come to visit me or approach me at the funeral pyre? It seemed he finally accepted what I'd known all along: that losing the baby was my fault.
I looked around the village desperately as my memories played out in front of me. There were happy memories for me in this village- how I grew as queen, winning the Amazon's and Ephiny's respect. But at the moment all I saw was pain. Carrying Xena's corpse and stopping to rest here. Meeting Velasca and battling with her for control. Searching for the ambrosia to bring Xena back to life. Meeting Velasca again as a god, yet facing her cold, dead eyes. Hearing of Ephiny's death and returning with Amarice to rule those who had not been sold into Roman slavery. Saving some of those who were enslaved, only to see them die at the hands at Pompey's army. And at that time maintaining my mantra of peace, leading an army and condoning killing when I couldn't even lift a staff. I couldn't be an effective queen. How could I keep Amazons alive when I couldn't even keep my own child alive long enough to truly live?
I looked at myself in the Amazon robe. Memories of the last time I had worn these robes rushed back. Were these the mourning robes or the murdering robes?
I had to leave tonight. I couldn't stay in this village any longer. The deaths of loved ones surrounded me here, and I didn't want to be reminded of them any longer.
I knew better than to argue with Xena, however. I recognized that determined look in her eye.
"I will get some rest," I lied, entering the hut. Xena nodded satisfactorily and joined me inside. I huddled under the covers, waiting to hear the familiar snoring of mother and daughter. When I did I rose, traded my sandals for my boots and sais, and snuck out of the hut.
The rain was cascading down as I made my way through the village, causing goosebumps on my arms and legs. I shivered and huddled my arms closer to my body, the wrap I was wearing offering little protection. I couldn't see and had no idea where I was traveling. I tripped a few times through dips in the ground that had collected rainwater, but I pressed on unhurt. I heard a rumble of thunder, louder now than the first time I heard it with Xena outside the hut. I tripped again. The cloudy sky lit long enough to see what I'd fallen over: the remains of the funeral pyre. I had just traipsed through my dead baby's ashes.
I gathered them towards me and felt warm tears escape my eyes, intermingling with the chilly water from the heavens. I had brought no supplies in my haste to leave, so I had nothing with which to remove the ashes nor in which contain them. I knew I was confusing bits of wood with the actual ashes, and I broke down at my inability to do anything. My baby had just been burned, and now she was left alone in the dark with the cold rain upon her. I thrust my body over the pile, trying to protect my girl from the harsh elements.
I lay on my stomach crying, the rain falling harder now like several tiny knives through my back. Why was this happening? Why was everything I've ever loved taken away from me at one point or another? Maybe someone really was watching me from above- not to see me through but rather to see me suffer.
My head slowly rose to face the thunderclouds, the drops pelting my face mercilessly. I couldn't do anything more for my daughter, but maybe I could stop events like this from happening to me again.
I stood and walked on with my fists clenched. I entered the woods, occasionally looking at the sky. The lightening flashes and thunder crashes were closer together, and the rumblings were growing louder. Whatever it was that was watching me writhe in my suffering was close. My brain reeled, trying to consider how I could fight a bodiless foe. My only hope was that it would change itself to a form I could battle. I removed my sais from my boots, prepared for combat.
I entered a large clearing warily. A lightening bolt illuminated the sky, the first bolt I'd seen tonight. I smiled, knowing that the confrontation would be soon, and I used the brief bit of light to examine my surroundings. A small lake sat in the middle of the clearing, a massive tree standing guard beside it. Before I could think another thought, the ground reverberated as the beastly thunder roared.
"Show yourself!" I shouted to the sky as I marched into the clearing. I received no reply. "What's the matter with you? It's time we fought this out. Quit hiding behind those clouds and come out where I can see you."
As if in answer to this, a vertical lightening bolt appeared, flashing down about 50 feet in front of me, but ending five feet above the ground. For a moment, I thought the bolt had materialized into a person, but it must have been my imagination playing tricks with me. The rain was pouring in sheets now, and I thought I'd seen my own reflection.
"Hope?" I cried out. "Dahok? Or are you Eli's god of peace, ready to wage war with me and show your true colors? Whoever you are, I said show yourself! Quit playing these games and fight!"
I howled in frustration and hurled my sais in the direction I'd seen the image. I ran forward, but there was nothing there. I tried to find my sais by feeling the ground in the area I'd thrown them, but I was unsuccessful. Now I was defenseless.
I closed my eyes, half expecting Hope to appear to make the kill, to laugh in my face that I killed yet another child, and this one before it had even seen life. But no one appeared. If my tormentors were Hope and Dahok, I knew they would have shown themselves or at least given some clue of their identity; neither could resist such a thrill. I wondered what Hope would look like. Would her hair be short like mine? Would she be in wet, tattered, soiled white robes like I was? No, that wasn't Hope's style. She'd want to appear dry and superior to me. Yet the woman I saw through the flashing light looked like that, looked like me currently.
I rose and screamed, "If you aren't going to show up, how am I supposed to fight you?!" My final words were drowned out by a lightening and thunder combination. The wind had picked up significantly and I felt the rain assail me horizontally. I tried to use the lightening flashes to aid in my search for the sais, but the grass was too thick and long to survey properly, and the rain prevented me from seeing beyond my immediate area. There was only one thing I could do to fight the storm, to fight the foe who refused to appear: I kept walking.
I turned to my right and trudged onward, trying to avoid the tree and lake, knowing that lightening was always attracted to both. The wind pushed me from all sides as if it wanted to tear me apart. I had to think, think of what I was doing, how I was going to fight. Was running and escaping the answer? It was the easiest solution and the one I was most tempted to do. I walked in darkness for several minutes until the next lightening flash. Then I balked.
I'd become disoriented trying to find my sais and had walked in the wrong direction. I was standing at the lake's shore beside the tree. A few more steps and I would have been in the lake. I was too afraid to move a muscle. I stared fearfully at the black pool in front of me when a bolt came crashing down to my left.
Like the previous bolt, this one didn't extend to the ground, but it had only been a little more than forty feet away. Whatever was haunting me was making its move and I had no idea how to stop it.
My anxiety quickly turned to anger. How dare this spirit, this god of Eli's, do this to me! If this god was going to kill me, fine- I had no recourse. The way I was feeling, death was more than welcome. But I wasn't going to give this being the satisfaction of knowing I was fearful before my demise.
I turned my head upright and yelled into the wind. "What lousy aim! You aren't even coming close! I'm standing right by the lake! How hard could this be?"
This time a lightening bolt danced over the water, further from where it was last time, accompanied by thunder. I laughed.
"Your aim is getting worse! Where did you learn to shoot lightening bolts? Even Zeus's aim was better than yours!" I only received thunder rumblings as a response. I stretched my arms above my head. "Will this help? I'll stay perfectly still and accept my fate." I waited in the dark with my arms raised, but after a few minutes, no lightening came. I laughed again.
"You call yourself a storm! You are so pathetic! Here, let me help you kill me!"
I began to climb the tree, jumping from limb to limb until I reached the highest limb that would support my weight. The storm grumbled, but no lightening appeared. When a flash did illuminate behind a cloud, I looked toward the ground. I must have climbed about a hundred feet.
I kicked off my boots and wrapped my right hand around another limb above me for support.
"Come on, I'm ready. Let's see how big you are and what you're made out of."
Suddenly a bolt of light shot from the sky toward the branch I was standing on. My eyes widened as I saw it approaching. I jumped back just before the bolt hit the limb and split it in two. I saw sparks fly and noticed that the limb was out of view. It was then that I realized I was falling. I had no idea what was below me, and I didn't care. I became lost in the moment. I had let go of everything and I was flying. I reached my arms up and embraced the fall lovingly, as if it had a body I could hug. Relief immediately overcame me; I felt no fear or pain. The entire fall probably took about four seconds, but it was the freest feeling four seconds of my life.
My back hit water and my breath was knocked out of me. It was as if someone had reached a ghostly hand in my chest and squeezed my lungs shut. I was sinking at first within the abyss, feeling the fall's effects in water now instead of air. I could feel my muscles moving at the water's whim. The remains of my Amazon robe wrap were torn from my body. After a few more seconds, I rose to the surface, an invisible force buoying me.
I reached the top of the lake just as my breath returned, the ghostly hand releasing its grasp on my lungs. I involuntary gulped in needed air. I was so tired. I could hear rumbling in the distant, but I didn't see anymore light flashes behind my closed eyelids. The rain no longer felt like it was assaulting me; it felt like it was caressing me as the lake's waves rocked me comfortingly. I slowly opened my eyes to look at the night sky and caught a glimpse of a star as the clouds began to break. Then I drifted into unconsciousness.
It was the best death I'd ever experienced.