How 'bout me not blaming you for everything?
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once?
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you?
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time?

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

- Alanis Morrisette
"Thank U"

I awoke to silence.

I can't remember the last time that happened to me. Xena usually tried to be as loud as possible in the morning because she knew how difficult it was to raise me from my slumber. Eve wasn't at an age where she understood the concept of being quiet. And Joxer... well, Joxer always tried to be quiet, but he invariably tripped over the pots and pans.

I opened my weary eyes and saw the sun sneaking over the horizon, illuminating distant clouds with brilliant pink and orange. The warm colors reflected in the still lake before me, doubling the beauty of the image. I lay there and stared in awe until the caress of the wind and the sound of leaves swishing caught my attention.

I turned my head and saw a massive oak not far from me, waving its boughs as if to say hello. As my eyes focused on a broken limb further up the beach, memories of the previous evening came pouring back.

Was I dead? Was I in the Elyssian fields? I turned to look behind me and saw a startling array of color that made the heavens look drab in comparison.

White wild lilies and daisies, red geraniums, queen-of-the-prairie roses with their deep pink bloom, sweet williams with red centers and pink edges, indigo cornflowers, yellow-flowering stems of broom, blood-red poppies, sharp purple thistle, pink and white anemone, and gold chrysanthemum dotted the landscape. It was one of the most beautiful sites I'd ever seen.

Yes, I must be dead, I concluded. I felt such peace, such happiness in my surroundings. Fields like this one didn't exist on Earth. I took a deep breath and stretched, enjoying the perfumed air.

"Gabrielle," I heard a voice far off cry. It sounded like Xena. I sat up to look around. It was then that I noticed my nakedness. Surprisingly I laughed, imagining how I'd react in my lifetime -mortified and stomping around, demanding that someone bring me clothes. What did clothes matter now?

I rose and surveyed the field. I felt the urge to run through it - not to flee, but to dash for the sheer joy of it. I sprinted through the field of flowers, laughing the entire way, performing a flip and a cartwheel as I went. I hadn't acted like that since I was 12, and I'd forgotten how much fun it was. I picked flowers and placed them in my hair to form a crown, proclaiming myself queen of the field. When I finished, I lay back and looked at the clear blue sky, wondering how Xena was dealing with my death. As if on cue, I heard Xena's voice again, much closer than it was before.

I peeked from the cover of the flowers and saw Xena marching through the field, chopping at the waist-high grasses and flowers with her sword. She seemed to be looking for something.

I leapt to my feet. "No, Xena, don't!" I cried, upset that she was destroying the beauty of the landscape.

She turned to me, relief immediately overcoming her. "Gabrielle!" She rushed to my side to embrace me.

I hesitated. If she heard and saw me, I must be a ghost. Would she be able to hug me?

I stepped back, determined to be dignified despite my complete nakedness. "Xena, you must move on without me. I may have left this world, but I've found peace. Read my stories to Eve and let her grow into the woman she was always meant to be - do that for me."

Xena scrunched her face at my words of wisdom and last request.

"What are you talking about? You can read the stories to Eve yourself. And you better do it soon; Ares has been adding his own personal touch, shall we say, to them lately."

I blinked at her ease of manner. She must be in denial about my passing. What could I do to help her through this?

Xena's lips curled into a smile as a realization struck her. "Gabrielle, do you think you're dead?"

She reached for my arm and pinched me. I yelped.

"See?" Xena announced triumphantly. "You're not dead." She grinned wryly. "Though you do look different somehow. Maybe it's the fact that you're sitting in a field of flowers completely naked and you don't seem phased by it."

I ignored her teasing. "Xena, I feel different. Something happened to me last night that truly changed me." I shook my head in wonder as the words sunk in.

We sat down and I told her what happened - about tripping over my baby's ashes, about seeing an image of me within the lightening flashes, about climbing the tree in defiance and crashing down into the lake. She listened thoughtfully and looked at me gravely when I finished.

"You could have been killed last night, Gabrielle."

"Well, that's why I thought..." I began, but Xena continued.

"The whole village has been looking for you since I noticed you were gone at dawn. You've put a lot of people through a lot of anguish by just wandering away."

I bit my lip. How could I make her understand?

"Xena, I needed to get away, and..." I tried searching for the words. "And find this." I waved my arms around, pointing to these fields. I stared at my surroundings contently and turned in time to see Xena smiling at my expression.

She cupped my face in her hand, her eyes searching my own. I realized she understood when she uttered, "I'm so happy you've found what you were looking for."

I beamed and laughed in relief at my best friend's comprehension. "I suppose you're going to tell me that it took me long enough, huh?"

Xena bit her bottom lip and her eyes danced. "No, not yet." She smiled cryptically. "You may have found what you're looking for, but it's not in your grasp yet."

What was she talking about? Of course it was in my grasp! I'd never felt such peace, joy and contentment in my life.

Xena noticed my questioning look and shook her head. "You'll find out what I'm talking about soon enough." Before I could say a word, she changed the subject. "If I go back to the village and get you some clothes, do you promise you'll stay here until I return?"

I didn't want to let her cryptic comments go, but I knew better than to pester Xena. She'd tell me eventually when the time was right. The New Me was determined to be more patient than the old one.

"No more running away," I promised. "That's long behind me."

"For Joxer's sake, I hope that's true," she quipped. She kissed my forehead and hugged me. My brow furrowed as I tried to ascertain how me running had anything to do with Joxer.

"I'm glad you're safe and sound," she whispered.

She tread back in the direction from which she came, garbling something about me having nine lives. As she left, I rolled onto my stomach and tried to decipher the meaning of her words. The cool dampness of the ground against my skin felt refreshing and helped me think clearly. What did my metamorphosis have to do with Joxer?

My body jerked at the blood-curdling scream I heard a few minutes later.

"Gabrielle!" the anguished voice sobbed.

I pushed myself up with arms to peak over the flowers, just like I'd done when I first spied Xena. Joxer was kneeling at the other side of the field, his face beet red and coated with tears visible even from this distance. From the way he held up my sais, I could tell he was thinking the worst.

I turned around and huddled myself into a ball, for the first time that day feeling the awkwardness of being naked. I clenched my eyes shut. My words reverberated. 'No more running away, Xena. That's long behind me.'

I felt his rushed footsteps on the ground as he ran forward, heard him whispering between breaths, "Please, not her too. Gods, I won't mind if she hates me forever, just please let her be alive."

I opened my eyes at this comment and raised my head above the shield of flowers once more. He was staring off to the side, towards the lake, staring at the broken bough, his fists clenched around my sais.

It was then that I realized. My heart beat faster. The feelings hit me squarely in the chest, almost knocking the breath out of me.

"Joxer," my voice croaked, trying to regain myself.

He froze for a second before turning in my direction. Relief immediately overcame him. He ran to my side, clunking his armor along the way. As he got closer, he noticed my naked body, which I was trying my best to cover. Surprised, he tripped on a patch of mud and fell on his back.

I rushed to his side and leaned over him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he muttered, shaking his head. When he saw me leaning over him, he blinked several times in disbelief. "I've died and gone to heaven."

I laughed nervously at the mixture of lament and merriment in his voice and crossed my arms over my bare breasts.

"Joxer, you're not dead. And I'm not dead." I had no idea what to say after that. Neither did he.

He looked everywhere except at me as he tried to hide his embarrassment. "Yeah, being alive is a good thing. Yep. That it is." He hemmed and hawed for a bit while I rolled back into a ball and silently told myself that despite wanting to run away, I wasn't going to. I clenched my eyes and fists shut in determination. I was going to say what I had to say and all would go well. I had won a battle with myself last night. Today I would win the war.

Joxer took his armor off, his gaze avoiding my form, and removed his shirt. "Here," he offered the shirt to me, still looking the other way.

I put it on without a word. It covered enough of me, yet he still couldn't look me in the eye.

"Joxer," I began, feeling more confident now that I was wearing clothes, "a lot has happened to me in the past few years. And last night... well, last night helped me see things a lot clearer." I pointed around the field. "I mean, I can finally sit back and enjoy this beautiful view, and not worry about what's going to happen tomorrow."

Joxer looked around. In his anguish, he had missed seeing the flowers before him. "Wow, this is great! Look at all the colors!"

I smiled in comfort at the innocent reaction to which I was used to seeing from him. "Yeah, I know. They were here all along and I didn't see them." I lightly touched the stem of a cornflower. "Just like a lot of the feelings I didn't want to acknowledge."

Joxer squirmed, not quite sure what I was talking about. "Hey, did you know that the cornflower has a spicy, clovelike flavor? I learned about that at cooking school." His eyes moved to a gold flower growing beside him. "Oh boy, chrysanthemums! Bet you don't know where they come from."

I squinted in confusion, wondering why he was changing the subject. "Joxer, I..."

"They're from Chin. Legend has it that they bring laughter and happiness to any home. Do you think the Amazons would like it if we brought them some? You can never have too much laughter and happiness, that's what I always say..."

"Joxer," I tried again, but he seemed quite determined to continue. I finally shut him up the only way I knew how: I wrapped my arms around his neck and planted a kiss on his lips.

I pulled away, satisfied that I had quieted him and could explain my feelings without interruption. But I faltered as I saw his face: he looked like he'd just been slapped! Oh, why wasn't this working out like all the romance stories I've heard bards tell?

"I'm sorry, Joxer," I said, putting my head in my hands to avoid his fearful gaze. What was I doing wrong? What could I do, what could I say to make him realize my feelings for him? "I was just trying to tell you that things have changed with me now and..."

"I know," he responded sadly. "I'll shut up and be on my way if you like. You didn't have to kiss me to make yourself feel better. I know it's got to be hard to see me every day when..."

"On your way? No! Joxer, I don't want you to go anywhere. I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you, not out of any guilt or obligation."

"Gabrielle," he began, shaking his head, "we've been through this before. I know how you feel about me, and that's fine - really." He looked at the ground and mumbled, "I mean, I'm the screw up..."

"No, Joxer," I insisted. "What happened a few days ago was not your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened. I realize that now." I brushed my fingers through his hair. "I realize a lot of things."

I hugged him, hoping he'd get the message, and feeling anxious about being so open to him. Was it possible that he no longer cared me for me? Was my own realization about my feelings too late? He confirmed my fear by pulling away from my embrace.

"Gods, Gabrielle, I thought you hated me. I hated myself. Then when I heard that you'd run off, and when I found your sais... I... I..." his eyes clouded. "I couldn't stand losing the baby and you too, knowing that my love for you killed you both."

"Joxer," I addressed him as the tears welled up my eyes. Whatever his feelings were for me now, I had to be strong and tell him honestly about mine. It was the least I could do since he had extended me the same courtesy. I raised his chin so his gaze would meet mine and I spoke from my heart. "Your love for me has caused me to live."

He looked at me dubiously and I tried once again to kiss him in a last-ditch effort to convince him of my newfound emotions. His lips against mine felt so strange - maybe because it had been so long since I felt something so right.

"Please love me," I whispered as our lips touched. I could feel him shaking as he circled his arms around me and returned the kiss hesitantly. "I love you," I continued. "Just the way you wanted."

He stopped kissing me and sighed heavily. His shaking intensified. Fearful that he'd report a change in what he wanted, I held my breath. I had to open my eyes and discover why he stopped kissing me, though every fiber of my being screamed otherwise. My heart almost stopped as I considered the worst: that he didn't love me anymore. If this was the case, I had to face it with the same dignity he showed me when I let him down gently. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't hide or escape from a refusal, just like I couldn't hide or escape from the truth of my own feelings any longer.

Relief immediately overpowered me as I saw his dancing eyes and the joy illuminating his face. "I... I can't stop smiling right now," he stuttered, laughing at himself. He tried puckering his lips and moving in to kiss me, but the smile returned. He buried his head in my shoulder and laughed, causing me to giggle as well. As I tried to kiss his cheek, I discovered that I was now suffering from the same malady.

After all the obstacles and enemies we had faced and conquered - bacchae, Callisto, Hope, and most importantly our own inner demons - here we were together, hopelessly in love, and both of us unable to kiss the other because our own happiness prevented it.

His muffled voice through my hair echoed, "You know, you're wrong, Gabby."

My spirits were good enough to hear what it was I was so wrong about, for a change. "About what?"

His head rose. His brown orbs probed my blue ones deeply as he caressed my cheek and spoke the next words.

"I have died and gone to heaven."

Conclusion >>>