"Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?"
     Joxer gulped as Xena's words had the remarkable physical effect of sending his stomach plumetting into his boots.
     Behind him, Gabrielle gave a puzzled "Huh?" He turned quickly to gauge her reaction. Okay, surprised but not on the verge of laughter yet. This was still salvageable as long as he could shut Xena up, now. "Could I speak to you privately?" he asked in as subtle a manner as he could manage.
     To his horror, Xena continued as if he wasn't there. "He would crawl 50 miles on broken glass, just to sweat in your shadow."
     "Ix-nay on the ove-lay alk-tay," he muttered, on the offhand hope that Xena might be bilingual. Why was she doing this? Did she know what she was saying? She'd been acting weird all day, maybe she was possessed. Or maybe she was trying to set him and Gabrielle up?
     Or maybe one of his closest friends was just having a good laugh at his misery? No, no, no. This couldn't be intentional.
     His nervousness intensified as she opened her mouth and verbally laid the final log on his funeral pyre. "Oh yeah," she said casually. "He worships you like a goddess. Right, Joxer?" He nodded, numbly. His heart was thudding so loudly he barely heard her say "Stay here," as she patted him on the cheek and left.
     As she walked away, his brain worked frantically for a way out of this situation. If they followed her, she'd just keep telling Gabrielle all the things he just wasn't ready for her to know! All the things he wanted to tell her, himself, when the time was right. When he'd proven himself a warrior... when she wouldn't laugh just to think about it.
     He couldn't very well leave Gabrielle alone, because after all, this was an extremely dangerous town. Even now a fight was breaking out down the road where Xena was headed.
     No, this was the only alternative, and Xena knew it, curse her! He was facing the most awkward moment of his life! Suddenly he was very aware of Gabrielle standing behind him, and he grabbed at the first excuse that came to mind. "Wow," he choked, forcing a laugh into his voice, "she has really lost it!"
     "Completely," Gabrielle agreed.

     He was relieved. She'd bought it! Thank the Gods! Of course, considering how bizarre Xena was acting, insanity was probably a pretty believable excuse. He kept laughing, in relief now.
     Behind him, Gabrielle pondered. Why had Xena said that? It had been so... out of the blue. Well, granted, she was obviously trying to shut Joxer up. Thankfully, it had worked. But why such a topic? And what was it about all of this that just wasn't sitting right with her? It was something about Joxer... something about his reaction.
     She remembered when they'd first met, and he'd barely given her a look, trying to impress Xena. That was it- he was always trying so hard to impress her, she'd have expected him to belittle Xena's words. Probably say something about it being unmanly to love an "irritating little blonde" or something oafish like that...
     Only he hadn't. He hadn't even denied it, just tried to get Xena to stop talking. Gabrielle's expression grew puzzled, and she looked at him more closely. "Joxer?"
     "Ah, heh... Y-yeah?" He stopped laughing, and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.
     She stopped, not sure of what she wanted to ask him. "Um, you want to sit down?"
     "Oh. Sure," he answered.
     They idled over to a staircase nearby, and each had a seat. Joxer sat as far from Gabrielle as he could without falling off of the step. She took advantage of his sudden devotion to looking at the ground, and examined him closely as they sat in awkward silence.
     Goofy, gawky Joxer. In love? With her? Gods, it was true, wasn't it? Xena had been telling the truth. It all clicked into place suddenly. After his comparitively significant accomplishments in the adventure she'd come to think of as "A Comedy of Eros", she'd expected him to practically crow with excitement and probably add a few lines to his "ballad". Instead he'd been mopey for days afterwards... this finally explained why. And he hadn't been trying to overshadow her to get to Xena, or insulted her much, in a long time.
     Joxer was fidgeting as he examined his bootlaces in great detail. "Uh, so, nice weather today, huh?"
     She nearly jumped out of her skin, his voice making her nervous somehow. "Huh- uh, yeah. I guess. Not the greatest place to spend the day, though."
     He chuckled, still refusing to look at her. "No, I guess not." Twiddling his thumbs, he looked to the side. "Hope Xena gets back okay."
     "She will," Gabrielle answered. And when she does, she's going to have to answer a few questions, she added silently. The tension built during the silence, and she realized she just couldn't take it any longer. She had to know for sure. "Joxer," she said firmly.
     "Uh, yeah?" he said, looking up but still not at her.
     She took a breath, knowing that as hard as this was for her, it would be worse for him. She struggled to find the right words, pausing only for a moment. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
     If his face had had any colour in it before, it was gone now. He slowly turned to face her, and looked her right in the eyes. Hesitantly, he opened his mouth, and croaked, "About what?"
     She set her mouth in a line. "You know."
     Joxer stood up suddenly, as if he'd lost control of his own body. He began pacing on the ground next to the steps. "About... Well, there is something I've wanted to say for a while now, and I guess I might as well- HEY, look, isn't that Hercules? No? Guess not. Looked like him though, huh? You've met him, right? He's a good friend of mine. Did I ever tell you about this, it was a great story, see, it all started when I-"
     "Joxer." Gabrielle's voice was surprisingly commanding. Joxer looked back to see her standing, two steps above him, eye level with him now. He fell silent instantly. "About what Xena said."
     He hung his head for a moment, and backed up a step. She couldn't see his face clearly, and in truth expected him to remain silent. When he spoke, he spoke with such conviction and energy that she gasped and took a step back, herself.
     Summoning all his nerve and strength, he shut his eyes and then lifted his head quickly and said, "I love you." He said it loudly, too loudly, from fear. He quickly lost control and the words poured out, too quickly, too loudly. "I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you, I didn't want you to know because I know what you think of me. I know you think it's funny but I was never struck by Cupid's arrow, or at least not when you were, I mean, I think it's real. I know it's real. Gods, Gabby, I dream about you every night but I can't tell you because you'd laugh, I mean, you laughed before, and I know I shouldn't because I know it's hopeless, but I- I, I just... You're so beautiful, I just want to hold you, and I know it's crazy, but I..." He stepped towards her, vaguely wondering who was pulling the strings on him now, because he never knew he had anything like this in him.
     She gasped and shied away from him, down the small staircase, keeping a bubble of air between them. People were looking at them as they passed, and suddenly she felt claustrophobic. "Joxer- I, I'm sorry-" she began.
     "Oh, don't, please. Don't say it. Don't be sorry, but just don't say it. I can't take it right now. I'm sorry, Gabrielle, I'm the one who should be sorry, but I just love you- so much-"
     She made a noise of horror, and turned away from him. In a broken voice, she said, "I can't take this right now." She turned back to him, tears already streaking down her face, and sobbed. "I'm sorry, Joxer," she choked, and fled to a tavern down the street.
     His feet felt like lead, and he couldn't follow her. Instead he sat down on the staircase again, heavily, numbly, and wondered what had happened.
     At least she hadn't laughed.

     It was more than an hour later when Xena came back. Joxer looked up as a shadow fell over him, and found Xena looking at him darkly. He gulped; did she know? Was she angry for some reason??? How could she be?! This was her fault, damn it! Yet he just couldn't summon the anger. "Hi," he said miserably.
     "Where is Gabrielle?" she asked, panic in her voice, and he realized it wasn't anger at all but concern that was darkening her features.
     He pointed at the tavern she'd taken refuge in. "In there, I guess. I haven't seen her leave yet."
     She hauled him to his feet by his chest-plate, and began dragging him towards the tavern. "Damn it, Joxer, you two were supposed to stick together! Keep each other out of trouble- well, as much as you can, anyway... I left you with her because didn't think you'd let her out of your sight!"
     "Yeah, well," he said, with a sigh that again stirred up some of the black misery from the bottom of his soul, "I think she'd prefer me out of her sight from now on."
     Xena, apparently finally realizing that all was not right in Joxerville, stopped and looked at him. "What happened?" she asked, a tender note to her voice that he rarely heard directed at him.
     He waved his hand, trying a smile. The tight-lipped grimace that resulted wasn't even close. "Nothing," he said as his throat constricted around his tears. "Except, uh, we had a, a talk while you- while you were, uh, gone."
     "About what?" She put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly, her voice telling him that she already knew the answer. Finding speaking to now be too difficult, he shrugged. "About what I said before I left?" His answer was a half-hearted nod that resulted in his chin hitting his chest plate.
     Xena was quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry, Joxer," she said a moment later. "I didn't think about this. Don't worry, it'll be better tomorrow." She gave him a pat on his shoulder and pulled him the rest of the way to the tavern.
     Be better tomorrow. Sure. What if tomorrow comes, Xena? he asked silently. What if this is it? What if the repeats were all your dream and you just ruined my life and one of my only friendships?
     They reached the tavern door, and she stopped and propped him up against the wall. "Stay here," she instructed him. "Don't touch anything, don't say anything, and above all else don't do anything. We'll be right out. Got me?"
     "Sure." He nodded as she disappeared inside. It wasn't Xena's fault, he thought, not for the first time since It happened. It was his own. For being stupid, and worthless, and thinking he'd ever have a chance with a woman like Gabrielle. He should never have told her. He should never have loved her. He should never have liked her. He should never have met her.
     And yet, never knowing Gabrielle was a Tartarus he wanted no part of. She had taught him so much, just by knowing him... Things he might not show, but that he kept inside himself. Things to remember, and treasure, and now they were over and this hurt, by the Gods, this hurt worse than any arrow or sword's blade could ever hurt.
     Xena emerged, and Gabrielle was right behind her. She caught a glimpse of him, and then quickly looked away, as if guilty. He allowed her to walk in front of him and took up the rear, slowly. The trio walked a few yards, avoiding minor brawls that took up all over the town- Xena eyed the fights with a tired expression and shook her head, while the other two felt an intense lack of energy.
     After a few hundred paces, Xena stopped them. "I'm going to get Argo from the stable, and then I want us to get going out of town."
     "But why waste the energy?" asked Gabrielle. "I mean, you're the one who says you just keep reliving the day. If you're going to wake up here anyway, why not just go to sleep here?"
     "Just a theory," said Xena with a shrug. "It's a slight possibility that if we get far enough out of town before we set camp, maybe the day won't repeat." She caught herself and looked at the other two, then averted her eyes. "A very small possibility," she added, more quietly.
     Joxer cleared his throat. "I, uh, I think I'll stay here though. Just, you know, set out on my own for a while again." He stopped his explanation as he felt the lump of unshed tears form in his throat again.
     Xena grabbed his arm and held it firmly. "No. You're staying with us," she said, her tone leaving no room for argument. "This is a dangerous town and I'm not risking anything happening to you. You're with us tonight, at least." She started for the stables again, still holding Joxer's arm. Gabrielle walked behind them, her eyes and thoughts on Joxer.

     Joxer debated on whether to go back to the campfire. He was tired- excrutiatingly so, in fact- but Xena and Gabrielle were speaking closely and he didn't want to intrude.
     Okay, so he just didn't want to face Gabrielle... He felt that was pretty understandable. There was little room for anything except pain in his heart just now, and yet he still loved her, he knew. Xena put her arm around the bard's shoulders, and they gave each other warm smiles. Joxer almost resented that, knowing he would never be the recipient of such a smile, but shook his head. It wasn't Gabrielle's fault, after all. She had good taste, that was it.
     The two women parted, and lay down on their respective bedrolls. Xena yawned as if she hadn't slept in days, took a good look at her surroundings, and then lay back cautiously. Gabrielle curled up on her side and hugged herself, settling onto the fur pelt. Joxer waited until they were both perfectly still, and the fire had begun to dwindle, before he reentered the campsite.
     He had taken off his armour some time ago, so he was able to settle onto his pelt with relative quiet. But sleeping, that was another matter. After rolling all the way around, twice, he realized that an exhausted body and an active mind can rarely successfully agree on nocturnal habits. He sat up and stared into the fire, trying to keep from looking at Gabrielle's sleeping form near him. He picked a loose bit of fur from the pelt and flicked it into the fire.
     "Joxer?" a soft voice called. "Do you want to talk about it?"
     He blinked. "Gabby?" His stomach knotted itself into something even the most experienced knot-tyer couldn't have figured out. "I mean- sorry.."
     "It's okay," she said. She was propped up on her bedroll by her elbows. She held a finger to her lips. "Shh. Come on, we'll go over there to keep from waking up Xena." She pointed to a short distance away as she stood up.
     Wordlessly, he followed her.
     They sat, again awkwardly, and neither spoke for a few moments. Then, Gabrielle said, "I'll start, I guess." She took a breath. "I owe you an apology, Joxer."
     "No, you don't, honestly. I mean it, I understand-"
     "No, let me finish." She smiled gently, although a little sadly. "When I said I couldn't take this right now, it's not because it was you. I can't... Oh, this is hard to explain, I'm sorry." She chuckled softly. "Joxer, you... you remember Perdicus."
     "Of course I do! Gabby, I don't want to take his place or-" He stopped himself. "Oh. Uh, should I let you finish again?"
     This got another sad smile from her. "Well, yeah, sort of. I still don't know what to say, but... Joxer, I loved him. So much. When he died, part of me died too. It hurt every day, for a long time. It still hurts. And, the idea of loving anyone else... I don't want to. Just the thought used to make me feel sick. It doesn't anymore, but... it's just... I'm just not interested. And because of that, I never ... I never really even gave a thought to anyone ever loving me. I had no idea, Joxer. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. It was so completely sudden, and you came on a little... uh, strong..."
     Joxer laughed sharply, self-consciously. "Yeah. Uh, sorry about that. It's not usually... like that, y'know. I kinda got scared and it came out wrong."
     She nodded. "I understand."
     "So... I'll still leave tomorrow, I guess. If there is a tomorrow," he said, looking in Xena's direction. The small fire blocked his view of her, but the meaning was clear. "I really am sorry things got so messed up, but don't worry. I mean, I'll stay out of your way. I mean... I don't want to be a bother."
     Gabrielle surprised him by placing a small, gentle hand over his own. "Don't go," she said, a soft smile on her lips. "I have to tell you something. I was watching you today, and I realized something."
     "You were watching me?" he asked, stunned. "Uh, I mean, what? What did you realize?"
     "That you're a great friend."
     "...Oh."
     "Joxer, I already knew you were a good friend. But today I recognized that you're more than that. You're a great friend. You're dependable and true. I know you were thinking more of me and my comfort than of yourself. And I know you were hurting, and thinking that can't have been easy. So you're selfless too. You might be a little... childish sometimes..." She stopped momentarily, smiling as if at a private joke. "But deep down, you're really something. You're worth having around, and I don't want you to leave. You're like family to me, and I... I like having you around."
     He smiled, tentatively at first, and then broadening into a wide grin. "Really? Well, that's good, 'cause I really think you're a great friend, too. I mean, I thought that even before I ... you know. 'Cause you did things for me, like, you know, when you stuck around and told me I was a good person after I didn't kill you when we first met? And all the times you've saved my life, and, uh... stuff like that. I mean, I... I love you, but... I really respect your friendship too."
     "Can we stay friends, then, Joxer? I need that right now. I need my friends. Will it hurt too much, now?"
     He thought for a moment, and she noticed that when he did his expression turned from a grin into a childlike pout. "Well... as long as it doesn't bother you to know how I... feel?"
     She gave a small laugh. "No, it doesn't. Actually it's... kind of flattering, now that I've had time to think about it. I just don't want you to hurt over it. If you need some time away, that's okay, as long as you promise to come back to us soon?"
     Joxer gave in, and smiled. "I'll stay for now. If you'll have me." She lit up, and nodded. "Friends. Great friends. I like that." Boldly, he squeezed her hand, and was delighted when she squeezed it back. Then his heart soared as she smiled at him, the same smile he'd seen her give Xena earlier when they'd been talking.
     "Joxer the Mighty," she said, "you are a great friend." She leaned towards him, to the side of his face, and kissed...

     ...His cheek felt warm when he woke up. Warm and somehow tingly, as if something had pressed against it moments ago. He sat up, and looked around, spitting out hay. Oh yeah, the stable they'd been allowed to stay in last night! Huh. The hay was nice enough, but it smelled like horses in here. He'd never get the smell out of his tunic now.
     Joxer looked around the stable and saw Xena on the other end, still sound asleep. The pile of hay next to her must have been Gabrielle-
     -But something told him Gabby had been with him just a moment ago, holding his hand and telling him he was a great friend...
     A dream, unfortunately. Joxer sighed. Not a bad dream though! Too bad he'd woken up when he did. It probably would've gotten better. He grinned at that thought, then shook his head. Well, as long as he was up, he might as well get some breakfast. Gabby sure had an appetite sometimes, and something about that dream last night made him want to provide for her even more than he usually did. Want to be extra-special nice.
     He counted his loose money. Just enough for something medium-sized. Like, say... goose eggs! There was a thought! He seemed to remember Gabrielle saying she had a fondness for them. He snuck out as quietly as he could, smiling to himself at the thought of her.

© 1998 by Xebbie