Somehow, I guess I just thought I had all the time I needed. But I waited too long - I got cocky, and I missed my chance.
     Assuming I ever had a chance to begin with, of course. I don't know which is more painful - the thought that I did, and I missed it, or the thought that I didn't, and was fooling myself all these years.
     I didn't love Gabrielle right from the start, of course. When we first met, she was a distracting, somewhat clumsy chatterbox. The irritating blonde. She got in the way of my quest, of my efforts to prove myself. But it didn't stay like that for long; the more time I spent with her, the more I realized how much love she had in her.
     There was so much, that sometimes it hurt to be near her. Gabrielle - the Gabrielle she was when I first met her - could give anyone unjudgemental, unquestioned love. I was never capable of that. Not only that, I'd never been on the receiving end of that kind of love, either.
     I guess I finally realized how I felt about her after that whole business with the arrows. Prior to that I thought she was just a friend - maybe closer than a friend, maybe more like a sister - but I never... I never knew that I loved her, was in love with her, until I heard her crooning "Joxer the Mighty, roams through the countryside" offkey, and noticed the strange little thumping in my chest. It still took me a while to figure out what that thumping meant. I was just that blind to it all.
     Afterwards, when the arrows' effects had been taken off, and Draco was out of our way, I wanted to tell her what I'd realized that afternoon. I should have told her! If I'd told her then, would I be here now? Would I be regretting my past, kicking myself, hating myself for losing her to another? Or would I be the one holding her now, as she slept, breathing in the scent of her hair and feeling the quiet breeze of her breath against my neck?
     But I remained silent. I lost my nerve, and I fell asleep that night with my heart in my throat, feeling sick from my love for her.
     There were so many times I almost told her - so many opportunities. For the first few weeks after realizing it, I was almost giddy at times - whenever I wasn't feeling heartsick over it, that is. I don't know how she didn't notice - I had to strain to keep my hands off of her, to keep from pulling her into a kiss - or falling at her feet, begging for her to see my love.
     What it was that held me back, I don't know. So much was happening - Dahok, Hope, Illusia - I wanted to protect her from it, shelter her, but she was so determined to fight her way through it on her own. Make her own decisions. I nearly lost her - we all nearly lost her. But she came through, stronger than ever, and my love for her emerged much the same way.
     After that, it just seemed easier to suffer it in silence. She had to take her own paths - and I was rarely a part of them, she was so determined to make it there herself. She had so much else to worry her already, she didn't need to hear from me and my unending, unrequited love... It would only worry her, make things awkward when we were together.
     And, I thought, we have time. We have all the time in the world.
     I was so wrong. How could I have been so wrong?
     And how - how could I have remained so blind? I saw my own feelings - and I knew, I knew I wasn't the only one of us who loved her. Gabrielle attracted admirers like Argo attracted flies. Still, I never saw this one coming.
     In the three of us, I thought we were more like a family than anything else. Brother, sister, sister. I never thought I had any threat in - I never thought Gabrielle would really fall... for...
     How could I have been so blind?
     I knew they were close, that they loved each other. I could tell from how Gabrielle acted that she didn't know, and it was unrequited - I was foolish enough to take it at surface value. They're like siblings, I told myself. Sure, they seemed closer than that at times, but I just thought it was the way a close-knit family should be. The kind of relationship I only wished I'd had with my brothers.
     It all changed when I caught up with them after leaving them alone together the last time. It wasn't as if leaving them alone was an uncommon occurence. We didn't always travel all together, the three of us, of course. But apparently, they weren't expecting me - or they were just tired of hiding it - who knows. All I know is, entering the camp and finding them together that way, half-naked, a contrast of lights and darks, in each other's arms... And there was so much love in that embrace...
     It was the single most shattering experience of my life. And I never saw it coming.
     I'm an idiot.
     They didn't even seem to know I was there, and I knew I had to do something, because I couldn't keep looking at this for much longer before I started to - scream, or cry, or something. I found my voice for long enough to clear my throat, somewhat weakly, and they jumped apart. For a moment or two we all just stared at one another, then Gabrielle finished lacing up her top and looked guilty.
     "I'm... sorry," I said lamely. None of us could look each other in the eyes, but Gabrielle seemed to notice how pale I was looking, and she tried to comfort me.
     "It's ... it's nothing. We - we were going to tell you soon anyway, and..."
     If this was supposed to help, it was a pathetic attempt. "Oh," I said, biting my lip to keep from screaming at her. How long had it been going on? And they were going to tell me - but didn't?
     What kind of family does that?!
     Traveling with them that day was torture. I don't even know why I did it. Maybe because I couldn't stand the idea of giving them a moment alone, without me - knowing that they'd kiss and hold each other, and talk about me and how sorry they were for me. Whatever.
     All I could think about were the months, the years I'd wasted not telling her. All that time. All that time when I'd thought something was growing between us, thought I should let it mature before startling her with it. All that time I could have been loving her, and basking in her love in return.
     I left them late that night, no longer shy about sharing their pelts in my presence; they were snuggled together, arms twined around each other, like two halves of a whole. I left a note before leaving, saying I needed some time to myself, that I'd been planning on taking it anyway, that I was going to go home for a while since I hadn't been in so long...
     And I left, uncertain of where I was going, or how I could ever face them again.
     Damn it, Joxer, you'd better take care of her, or I'll chakram your head off so fast you'll never know you're missing it.

© 2001 by Xebbie