It's raining, and I am holding my best friend in my arms as she dies.
     I don't know how this happened, nor do I know really where we are anymore... I did once, but my own fatal wound seems to drain my clarity of mind as it drains my life. All I know is that Xena is dying, and I will die shortly after.
     She reaches up to my face, her touch feather-light on my cheek, and smiles. She can always do that- smile when she looks at me, and somehow I can't help but smile back. "I'll be right after you," I murmur, and her eyes soften as she nods.
     I love you, she mouths, and I kiss her gently as her already shallow breathing stops. It doesn't hurt as much as I'd expect, perhaps because my own pain is fading and I know that I'm following her. It doesn't matter anymore. We've been through this before, and as long as we're together, it's okay.
     I lie down next to her, make myself comfortable- drape one of her arms over my shoulders and keep a lingering hold on her fingers. My arm is broken, it hurts. My back hurts- breathing hurts- I should stop breathing...
     And just before I close my eyes at last, I see him burst through from the bordering forest. I'd forgotten about him, truth be told, and if I'd had any energy left for feelings I'd have felt guilty over that. But I can only wish... Wish that he finds himself, goes on, as he's always gone on.
     I have faith in him...

     "Oh, by the Gods, no."
     Words can't describe what it felt like to come in onto that scene. One look told me everything that had happened, and then some; scattered corpses of warlords were sinking into the increasing mud, their leader sprawled prominently in their centre; a huge, vile man, he was impaled on Xena's sword. His own sword was lying far from him on the ground, blood-stained... And Xena-
     And Gabrielle-
     I choked, trying to keep my head, as I stumbled towards them. Dead? Or... Xena's arm was around Gabrielle, and maybe- maybe they were still... No, the limp heaviness of Xena's fingers was enough to prove it. And somehow... somehow I knew.
     Gabrielle, on the other hand, opened her eyes as if they weighed more than the earth itself, and her gaze- though vague- focused on me for just long enough. "Joxer..." she said in a whisper.
     I was by her side in a second, lifting her gently, disentangling her from Xena's lifeless arm. "It's okay," I said through a tight throat, "I'll get you out of here, you'll be fine."
     She actually smiled, a fond expression on her face, as though she was going to chide me for being silly. "No... not... this time." Her eyes drifted shut again, and I jostled her, fear overtaking me. All I got in return was a short laugh- barely a whisper to it- and her soft, yet somehow happy words: "I'm sorry, Joxer..."
     Her head fell against my armour.
     No.
     No, this wasn't happening. Not again.
     "Don't, Gabrielle, come on... please don't do this to me..." I muttered, frantically trying my best to keep her with me. The wound was in her stomach, and I pressed my hand against it, numbly, in a pathetic effort to stop the bleeding. I knew it wasn't going to work. Why- why was it like this? Why did I have to be useless, too dull and slow to be here to save my friends? No, I had to get thrown aside, hit a tree, and go down for the count. 'Twas ever thus, as my dad used to say. And by the time I got my sorry butt up again, I was too late...
     Too late to even die with them.
     Something broke inside me, and I shook her lifeless form. "Damn it, Gabrielle, WAKE UP!!" I yelled. "I won't go through this again! GABRIELLE! I'm not letting you go, you hear me? I'm NOT LETTING YOU GO!!"
     She didn't respond.
     "Aw, come on," I said, to no one.
     "Joxer," said a deep voice behind me. My heart leapt into my throat- an enemy?? Someone to fight, someone to let this misery out on, maybe someone to send me after the only two people who really were worth a damn to me... I whirled, to face a tall, majestic figure. The rain didn't seem to touch him; in fact, the drops that hit the ground near him seemed to glow. His hair was blonde to the point of nearly being white, and his face was kind, if cold. Something about him looked haughty, somehow, although as he knelt before me his eyes held compassion.
     He set his hand on my arm. "It's her time. You must let her move on."
     "You," I said, as if I recognized him, and then I realized that I did recognize him. I didn't know how, but... I think I'd seen him in a dream. "Michael."
     His answer was a nod. "You can't hold up fate, Joxer. She's been called home."
     I shook my head emphatically, holding her close. "I'm not going to let this happen again. I've been through this too many times and I..." I sighed. "I just don't have anything left."
     "This will be the last time." There was warmth to the voice, but also an impatience. Guess I had that effect on everyone.
     I glared at him. "They're not going to the Elysian Fields, are they."
     "No." Michael shook his head. "They are part of another Plan, something far beyond."
     "What about me?"
     Michael looked hesitant, then sighed. "You have your place in that Plan as well, Joxer."
     My heart fluttered in my chest, as something which very nearly resembled joy washed over me. I could follow them. What would I stay here for, anyway? So few people even knew I existed, even fewer cared-
     "You can't!" The heavenly being gripped my arm suddenly, tightly, his eyes now urgent. "Suicide is a deadly sin, Joxer. You would lose all hope of getting to Paradise, and be confined to Hell instantly." I blinked. "For eternity."
     I blinked again.
     "You'd be without them forever," Michael elaborated.
     And suddenly, I felt a spark within me. Michael didn't want me going to Hell- whatever that was- but if I took my own life, that's where I'd be. Well then. That gave me something of a bargaining chip, didn't it? "Can I trade?" I asked slowly.
     I had thought Michael could read my thoughts, as he'd known my earlier intentions, but maybe that had been obvious from my face; now he only raised an eyebrow. "You don't bargain with the Heavens."
     "Look, pal, I've got nothing left to live for. Now I'd give anything to have her back, and if you don't want anything of mine I have a feeling that Hell place might-"
     "I can't give her back to you!" Michael exclaimed, a bit incredulously.
     "She came back before! Twice!"
     "She was needed then!"
     "I need her now!"
     "Joxer, your need is nothing compared to-"
     "I didn't even get to say goodbye!" I yelled, and suddenly my heart was in my throat and my eyes teared up. Stupid, I thought angrily, clamping my mouth shut before I started sobbing.
     There was a gentleness to his voice when he spoke again. "We have a Plan in mind for her, Joxer, there's a need... out there."
     Staring at the ground, I said, "I have nothing else... Just a little while..."
     A weary sigh came from somewhere to my left, then the hand was back on my shoulder. "When it comes to her, you're nearly as stubborn as Xena," Michael said. "This will be costly, though, Joxer. You'll have to give up your place in Paradise."
     "And go to Hell?" I was confused.
     Michael shook his head. "No, there's an alternative. Although..." He shrugged, chuckling. "Maybe this is the way it's meant to be, after all. Now. I can't give her a full life. How long do you think you need?"
     All of this was becoming too strange. My mind jumped at the thought- how much time? How could I put a limit on my time with Gabrielle?? An hour? A day? Would a day be more than he would give? I didn't know what to say. After a long pause, Michael answered for me.
     "I'll give you a year," he said. I looked at him, now speechless. "During that time, you will find something to live for, I hope."
     He touched Gabrielle's forehead gently, a glimmer of light at his fingertips. The light melted into her skin, and as it faded, Michael did, too.
     And Gabrielle began to breathe again. I felt a warmth in my heart.

     Wherever I am, I feel warm.
     It's not like last time, when I sat on a rock and didn't really feel anything except peace; no, this is- different.
     This... hurts.
     It slowly dawns on me that I'm not dead. What happened?
     I open my eyes and turn my head, but it doesn't help me. Everything is bleary, and my eyes feel tired and heavy. Colours merge in front of me, but not into shapes- just into big blobs. I blink, hard, and it seems to help. Fuzzy objects become clearer.
     I'm in a room, wrapped in furs and tucked on a cot in the corner. The room is small, filled with vials and books- a healer's hut. How did I get...
     And then I see him. Joxer, sitting on a stool in the corner, looking out a window. He has a distant expression on his face, I can now see, as my vision clears more. As I watch him, his eyes flick back to me anxiously; it's obvious he's been waiting for me to wake up. Still, he evidently doesn't expect a change, and he looks back out the window again before he realizes I'm looking at him.
     Then he spins back to face me and jumps to his feet. "Gabrielle! You're awake!" he cries happily, knocking the stool over in his eagerness.
     I hate him.
     I don't know what he did, but I know that somehow he kept me from following Xena, so that he could keep me here. I don't have much energy in me, but I hate him with all the feeling in my body.
     "Gabrielle," he says, an excited relief filling his voice, and tries to take my hand. I pull it back from him, but he doesn't seem to care. "I was so worried. It's been almost three days and the healer said-"
     Before he can finish, an older woman- evidently the healer in question- bursts in. "I've told you not to hover over her anymore!" she snaps at Joxer, pushing him aside. Joxer steps back obediently as the healer looks me over. "You took a bad turn, young lady," she says in a mothering, patronizing tone, "but it looks like you're out of the woods now. You're healing awfully quickly, might I add- when Joxer brought you in here it looked like doom for certain, but-"
     "How..." I begin. I'm startled to find that I can barely push a whisper out of my throat. Why aren't I dead?
     "Hush, now, don't talk." The healer gives a broad smile. "It'll be a little while yet before you can manage that." She pats my hand. "I'm Althaea. You're lucky your friend Joxer found you when he did... Gods be praised you didn't bleed to death!"
     Behind Althaea, Joxer looks away, embarrassment written across his face. He didn't just find me, I'm sure of it now. That look makes it obvious. He did something.
     Althaea continues blithely on, oblivious to Joxer's expression or my despondence. "Now you must be hungry after all this time, love! You hold tight and I'll heat some broth for you." She bustles out of the room in much the same way she came in, leaving me wondering how she manages to be a healer when she seems so rushed at all times. I hate her, too.
     Joxer kneels next to me. "She's funny, huh? I talked to her a couple of times the past few days, and she knows all kinds of stuff about herbs and things. I'd have taken you to an Amazon healer, 'cause I figured you'd like that better, but I didn't have a lot of time and Althaea was closest. Anyway, when I got you here she said she didn't think you were gonna make it, but I knew you were, and-" He grins broadly, delight evident in his features. "And here you are."
     "What- did you- do?" I croak, and I'm horrified at the effort it takes. I can't live like this, I know it.
     His face falls. "Um, I'll tell you later-"
     "No," I say with as much force as I can muster, "now."
     He stares at my face for a moment, his eyes register understanding of my anger. I think he knows exactly how I feel about him. He looks away. "Um, well, I kinda- Well, I talked to this guy Michael and asked him to let you live."
     Despair. It overwhelms the anger, the physical pain, everything; it fills me everywhere and I moan quietly.
     "Gabby, I couldn't let you die again! Not again!" he says desperately. It makes no difference, I want to tell him, but I don't have the energy. "I know it hurts, but Althaea says you're healing really quickly, and I bet by the end of the week-"
     I shake my head, closing my eyes. "Xena..."
     It stops him. He knows, now, I think, what it is that really hurts. The part that won't heal. He takes my hand, gently, and I haven't got the strength to stop him. I hope he realizes that I wouldn't hold his hand even if I did have the strength, though.
     "Gabrielle," he says quietly, and pauses. "It's not forever. I just... I just needed a chance to say goodbye, and so he gave me a year."
     A year. A year without her. I can't, I can't...
     "It took a lot, too," he continues, his voice seeming to come from a distance. I barely pay him any attention; my hold on consciousness is slipping. "I dunno why Michael agreed but he said I was almost as stubborn as Xena, and that I couldn't go to Paradise or something... But Gabrielle, I love you, and I don't care..."
     If he continues, I don't hear him. I sleep instead, the sleep of the miserable, the sleep of those who no longer wish to live.

     I won't eat, and it frustrates Althaea, but beneath the frustration I get a sense of fear, and sadness. I don't hate her, after all, I guess. She's just doing her job, and it upsets her that I won't let her. Death upsets normal people, people who aren't like me.
     But I'm not wasting away, despite my best efforts; in the four days since I woke up, I haven't had a thing to eat, and the only effect it's having on me is to make me hungrier and hungrier. Whatever Joxer did, it seems to be a virtual assurance of my well-being until my time is up. My healing is continuing unabated, and maybe that's why Althaea has yet to force me to eat; she's probably confused, maybe assumes I eat when she's not around to see.
     I haven't spoken to Joxer since I turned my back on him, though he comes in several times each day and talks to me. I turn my back each time. I won't look at him.
     But he talks anyway, and stays with me.
     He's different somehow, now. He's more serious, and most of what he says is tinged with sadness, although that's hardly surprising. He tells me of things Althaea speaks to him about, and sometimes mentions his family, which is something he usually avoids doing. He'll talk for as long as he can manage, leaving moments here and there where I can answer if I want. I never do. Eventually he'll run out of things to say, but he never excuses himself or says goodbye, or even officially ends the conversation. He just stops speaking, and at some point he leaves silently, without my hearing him go.
     He never mentions Xena.
     I don't know if I hate him, anymore. It seems to take so much energy, remembering why. Some days when he comes in, I almost want to answer him, but I think of where I am, and why- and I do hate him, then. It hurts to hate him, because he's my dear friend, and he's so... sad.
     But it's all more sadness, more hurt, almost nothing on top of the pile which grows within me each day. And it is his fault; he tampered with the afterlife, with the heavens, for his own reasons. He robbed me of my right, of my joy; where did he get off?!
     Anger surges through me. The nerve! And using love as an excuse- an excuse to tamper with the rules of eternity! As if nothing matters more than him, and me; as if no one's destiny or afterlife is as important as his own...
     Oh.
     No. It's totally different.
     Xena never dragged me out of where I wanted to be, she saved me so that I could be with her... She followed me.
     But if she couldn't follow me... If she had only one option...
     What has Joxer given up to get me back? I wonder, for the first time. It must have been costly; Michael wouldn't let me come back just because Joxer asked. But Joxer probably did it without a second thought.
     I close my eyes. Without Xena... He's cursed me, but he really didn't mean to.
     I don't think I can hate him anymore. I don't have the energy anymore, anyway. I'm just stuck, with each day dragging on and on...
     Alone. A part of me is dead, and always will be, until I follow it.

     I felt so helpless. Gabrielle was miserable, completely miserable, and Althaea said she could never get her to eat. She never paid any attention to me if I asked her, either, so I stopped trying to get a response. Mostly, Althaea and I talked, and she told me about her family and the kids she'd raised, and a daughter who had looked like Gabrielle, kind of. I asked if she thought it was a bad idea to keep bothering Gabby, but Althaea said no, it was just what she needed. I wasn't sure, but I took her word on it, and visited her several times each day. But Gabrielle made it clear she didn't want me there, and wouldn't look at me at all.
     I guess it was a pretty stupid idea after all, then. But it didn't seem fair. What was I supposed to do? Let her die? I couldn't, no matter how much she wanted that, and even though I felt awful seeing her so miserable, I had a small piece of anger deep inside. Why couldn't she just try to see how much I needed her... how badly I wanted to be with her, just for a while, before I lost her forever?
     I couldn't get mad, of course. She was Gabrielle. But the anger did keep me from giving up, and kept me coming back into her room, day after day, to talk to her or even just look at her. I never really knew if she paid any attention to me when I came in, or not, but I'd talk anyway in the hopes of interesting her. It never worked. She kept her back to me, and faced the wall the entire time. Eventually, each day, I would give up and just stop talking. Then I'd watch her sleep, often for minutes at a time, just to make sure she really was breathing.
     It was no way to live, but I could do it. I hated myself, for making her miserable, for trapping her into this, but mostly because I didn't regret it. There was still a part of me that was overjoyed each time I saw even a flutter of eyelashes from her, signifying she was still alive, even as she turned her back and ignored my presence in the room.
     Until that one day, when it changed, and she didn't turn.
     I didn't really know what to do. It had been so long since she'd even looked at me, that I lost whatever I'd been planning on talking about and just stared at her eyes.
     By the Gods, they were beautiful, but... dead. So dull, so empty. As I stared, her eyes flicked up to mine, and held there. Her despondant expression never changed, but she said quietly, "I'm sorry, Joxer."
     Had I been angry? It didn't matter now, as I ran to her side and essentially fell to my knees beside the bed. "It's okay, it's okay," I mumbled, dumbly, elated that she was speaking to me and heartbroken at her sorrow. It was worse than I'd even thought. She didn't have to say anything else that day, but I held her face and smoothed her hair, and she cried. It was horrible and wonderful at once.

     She ate after that, more and more each day, and Althaea told me outside that she was overjoyed. It meant, she said, that the real healing could commence. But Gabrielle wasn't healed, and I wasn't sure she ever would be. There was a part of her that was... missing, somehow.
     And, I had to be honest with myself, I knew what it was. It was Xena. It was hard on me, too; when I wasn't thinking of Gabrielle, I felt sick and empty inside at the thought of Xena's death. I wondered sometimes why I hadn't bargained for her life, as well, and beat myself up over my failure. But then again, getting Gabrielle had been hard enough.
     I still went in to speak to her each day, usually about three or four times. She watched me, this time, her face pale and drawn, but rarely spoke. One day, we fell into silence, and I couldn't stand it. "I'm- I'm sorry, Gabrielle," I muttered.
     Her only response was to sigh, and she wouldn't look at me.
     "I did it for you," I offered. "I couldn't let you die. I just... couldn't."
     She was silent for a while, and then mumbled, "You should have."
     The anger came back, and I stood up from the stool I'd been sitting on. "No! Look, Gabrielle, you don't understand! I..." I paused, not sure how best to explain it, and then gave a mental shrug and decided to just let it all out. "Okay, I know when I told you I loved you, I said that was it, there were no strings. Well, okay, I've decided there's a string, and that's that you have to believe me. I have lost you twice now, and each time it's been harder, and I couldn't- couldn't do it again. Not with you and Xena gone." I paced quickly. "I wouldn't have been able to make it last time, either, but you guys came back before I had to try. And the first time, when you fell into the pit with Hope-" I took a breath. "I thought I could go on from there. I tried. I went on this long trip, but I came back, and I couldn't leave, and I just stayed there and waited and... and tossed daisies into that stupid hole." I ended with a derisive snort. "Daisies."
     "I like daisies," Gabrielle said listlessly.
     I bit my tongue to keep from yelling over the fact that she apparently hadn't listened to a word of what I'd just said. Instead, I nodded. "I know," I said tightly, and sat back down. We held a tense silence for a few moments, and then she shut her eyes, apparently going to sleep. I watched her for a few minutes more, holding back the frustration that was threatening to burst out of me, before getting up and thumping out of the room.
     Althaea was outside, dealing with a customer. "Joxer? What's the matter?" she asked as I pushed past her. I dismissed the question with a wave, not trusting myself to speak, and made my way to the small pond at the edge of Althaea's homestead.
     There, I stood and stared into the water, breathing heavily. Calm down, Joxer, I told myself. She loves Xena, and always will, and you've always known you don't matter in comparison to that.
     But, damn it- she could try, couldn't she? Couldn't she at least try? What was I supposed to do, stay at her bedside and talk at her for a year until she got to die again? Did our friendship really mean that little? I dropped to my knees and pounded my fists into the ground, swearing aloud. "DAMN it!"
     I felt her hand on my shoulder a split second before I noticed her face in the water's reflection. For a moment, she stood serenely behind me, before weakly lowering herself to a sitting position behind me. She leaned against my back for support, her hand still on my arm, and said quietly, "I'll wait a year, then."
     I watched our reflection wobble in the clear water, and took her hand in mine.

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