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*****
Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me.
I really do. I mean, for crying out loud, look at them! They're both gorgeous, smart, strong... Between the two of them, they can fight, sing, dance,
write, heal, cook, you name it, they can do it. Or will, someday.
I don't know where I fit in. The question keeps me awake nights sometimes. They fight, and I fall, then watch them defend me. They win, and
walk into the distance, and I follow behind them.
But then, just as I think it's futile- just as I think they've forgotten that I'm even there- Xena, or even Gabrielle, will turn to me and smile and tell
me to hurry up, a smile on her face that even my lowest mood can't mistake as
anything but affectionate.
Xena is like family. Like the sister I never got to have. There was a time when I thought that to have the Warrior Princess treat me as an equal, I
would have to be the greatest warrior on the planet. Ha- am I ever a far cry
from that, even on my best days. But the thing is- she's Xena. You can't
tell who she's gonna like, at first glance. And I think that, if she lets me
stick around, it's 'cause she wants me there, not just 'cause she doesn't know
how to get rid of me. And then she treats me like a real person... like a
family member. She used to be my hero, but now she's not. Now she's my friend-
my sister.
And Gabrielle. Sometimes when I think of her, of how I've come to feel about her, I almost have to laugh. Other times I want to cry. I started off
thinking so little of her- and now, now she's my world. I used to see her as
this shining goddess, but now, after all we've been through, now I know she's
not. She's just Gabrielle, beautiful human Gabrielle, and I'll love her 'til
the day I die...
And sometimes the pity in her eyes destroys me.
If what I have with Xena is stable and warm and familial, what I have with Gabrielle is... the most unstable, hot and cold, downright strange
relationship I've ever had with anyone. If all I ever got from her was pity,
that would be one thing- at least then, I'd know where I stand. But sometimes
she looks at me, and I don't see pity at all, but warmth and familiarity, like
with Xena. And sometimes I see hostility. And sometimes... Sometimes I don't
know what I see there, but I like it. It never seems to last, though. She'll
turn away, or Xena will talk to her- or she'll hit me in the nose, something
like that.
If she were anyone but Gabrielle... But the one person she is, is the one person I can't live without. It figures.
Sometimes when she looks at me, and I can see that pity there, I wonder what she's thinking. Has the thought of her loving me ever crossed her mind?
Does she ever look at me as a man, or just as a dork? Sometimes I think, Gods,
there has to be something- something I can do, some way to end this and make
her look at me as an option. More than an option- the option, the one with no
alternatives.
What is it? What is that hidden, secret act I can perform that will show her that I'm not just Joxer, the little brother, the tagalong- but a man, who
will gladly devote his life to making her happy? Some nights I lie there and
think about it, about things I can do. They become wild, impossible daydreams,
the likes of which are too fantastic to be believed- but for her, I'd find a
way. There's a lot I will never do, yes... But there's nothing I want so much
as to be with her.
But I'm supposed to be accepting that that will never happen, difficult as it is. It's damn near impossible, in fact, but for her I do it. For her and
for Xena, because I know Xena likes it when we all get along, and Gabrielle's
not fretting over me or anything, so they can devote their attention to each
other. Oh, I know I'm the odd man out. I don't mind- I'm lucky just to be
with them at all.
Even if it does wear me down sometimes.
I'll admit it. Times like these, right now, when we're walking through a town and they've apparently forgotten I'm here- they bother me. When not even the horses seem to see me, and Eve is asleep in her mother's arms, and Xena and
Gabrielle are facing each other and talking as if I'm invisible... Yeah, I'm
only human, and sometimes it makes me wonder.
Wonder if they're as much my family as I am usually so certain they are. Wonder if they don't tell me to leave because they're afraid I'll... I don't
know, do something if they do.
It makes me wonder if they'd be better off without me.
*****
Poor fool.
He follows along like a puppy dog, just waiting for attention, and when he gets it he preens... Well, no, that's not entirely accurate anymore. Looking
back I'm not sure just when he stopped being my and Gabrielle's "pet" and
became... not just our friend, but very nearly part of us.
Then again, looking back, I'm not sure when I came to love Gabrielle as a part of myself, either. I guess these things just happen, and I won't pretend
to understand it, any more than I understand the miracle of the child sleeping
in my arms.
I barely even realize it myself, but it's been quite some time now, hasn't it? Some time since he has made up excuses to see us, or agreed dumbly with
everything we've said, or looked at me with those hero-worshipping eyes.
Now he doesn't talk about wanting to be a hero, but about wanting to protect us. He doesn't cow from our irritation, or soak up our attention, but
ventures his opinion openly- even if it's contrary to ours.
Our little Joxer's growing up. I allow myself a smile at that one. I guess I did good, didn't I? Well, I've always been able to see potential,
although it's usually been the potential for power and destruction- not for
being human. Up until a few years ago, that was something I barely knew
anything about, myself.
Okay, so I can't take all the credit for Joxer. So much of what he is now, he's become because of Gabrielle. Poor fool, again- to have devoted
himself so completely to a woman who he knew barely tolerated him, for so
long. But she's good for him- and he's good for her, too, otherwise I'd have
put a stop to his attentions a long time ago. Now if only Gabrielle would let
herself see what I've been seeing, maybe he'd stop moping like he is now.
Not that I think they should have a romance. I just don't think they shouldn't, either. I'm officially Without Opinion on this one- I love them both
too much to push in either direction. Not to mention that it's just so... not
me. I'm not Aphrodite, I don't get involved in affairs of the heart, and
they're on their own this time. Still, it'd be nice to see them both happy and
untroubled for an extended period of time, and that's gonna take some talking
between them.
And naturally, right now, nobody's talking. We've sat down in a tavern for a rest, and Eve, my little cherub, woke up with a smile on her face. So
while I let Gabrielle bounce the baby on her knee, I take a drink and spy on
Joxer, whose face is so long his chin is nearly under the table. What gets
him this way? Why does he do this to himself?
Two years ago- maybe even one- this would have annoyed me. Even downright put me off. Instead I'm worried- despite everything, the man is very nearly my brother. And oh, it feels good to have a little brother... to fuss over, to
give advice to, and to generally bother. He pretends he doesn't like it, but he
knows there's nothing keeping him from telling me to shut it.
I swat him. "Hey, Joxer, if you think any harder smoke's gonna come out of your ears."
He jumps, and then smiles. "Heh, sorry, Xena. No, I wasn't thinking of anything."
"Moping, then." I raise an eyebrow, and he grins in a sort of sheepish way. "No moping. I'm here if you wanna talk about it."
His smile becomes wider, and he relaxes a bit, some of the Joxerish cheerfulness coming back into his face. That's my boy. "Nah, I'm okay. I
just- I'm okay." He swats me in return, and I give a look of false shock.
"That's payback," he said easily. I let him get away with it... this time.
He's just starting to relax, and get over it, when he looks at Gabrielle. From the way his expression kind of folds- ever so slightly- I know without
having to check that she was giving him that look again. I don't think she even
knows she does it. The "Poor, poor Joxer" look. The one that just screams "I
don't love you and I never will".
Bye-bye, self-respect. Joxer crumbles a bit every time she gives him that look, and she doesn't even know she does it. Damn, these are the times when I
wish they'd just work this whole stupid thing out so we can be normal.
I look at Joxer again, and he's doing his best not to look at Gabrielle, who- I now see- is doing her best not to look at Joxer. I stifle a sigh as I
turn back to my clumsy heart brother, who just doesn't know how much we need
him. Poor fool... I hope someday he'll figure it out.
*****
He's done it again. We're sitting there in the tavern, and he's all mopey for some reason I can't figure out- I honestly just don't understand the man,
he's a walking contradiction. He loves me, yet he fights with me. He says
he'll give me space, yet he watches me constantly. And he goes in and out of
these silent pouts, where instead of walking up front with me and Xena, he'll
linger behind and act like some kind of outcast until we have to yell at him to
catch up.
Sometimes I don't want to bother to yell. If he's going to lag that much, maybe he should just go off on his own where he's not slowing anyone else down.
But Xena likes having him around, and Eve certainly has taken a shine to him, so
I guess there's not much I can do.
...Okay, fine, and I like having him around too. I don't know why I pretend I don't. Maybe because I worry that he'll take it the wrong way- think
that I can give him what I know, deep down inside, that I can't.
My love. I know he wants my love, and I just can't give it to him, although I wish I could. And by the same token, he's given me his- for keeps,
no give backs- whether I want it or not. And I don't, really, because it hurts
him... and because it makes me feel all out of control. I had no say in the
matter. I didn't ask him to fall in love with me- where do I come into this?
Sitting in my lap, Eve gurgles, and I smile down at her. Such an incredibly sweet-tempered child... Well, now that I've gotten used to her,
anyway. I used to think she liked Joxer better than me, which was a little
scary. The baby is shoving her fists into her mouth now, which I take to mean
that she's hungry. "Xena, here," I say, and the Warrior Princess takes her
daughter and cuddles her. Such a change in Xena, and it makes my heart glow.
She's so happy now, in a way I never thought I'd see her be.
I look past my best friend, to Joxer again, and a small ache fills my heart. He's picking at something on the table, and not looking up. Why are
things so difficult between us- so strange? Why does it have to be this way,
when we can get along so well sometimes, when he just acts normal?
But I have to concede, even to myself, that it's not just him.
Everything is complicated now, myself included. In a way, there is no
'normal', not for any of us. And I have so much to do, that it's not just him I
reject as a partner- it's any man. But I need him, and I hope he knows that...
Other than Xena I have no friend as close as him. He is a part of our family.
Even though I don't really know how that one happened.
It's funny. In many ways, I have everything I need, right here. As it is now. I could stay with these three people just like this, for the rest of my
life, and be perfectly happy. Well, maybe not just like this... Joxer needs
to cheer up.
I smile, and pick up my glass. "I'd like to propose a toast," I say. That gets his attention; his head snaps up. Xena turns to look at me, her
expression a combination of amusement and surprise. "To Xena and Joxer," I
begin, and stop, not sure where I'm going to take this. The people in question
wait for my response, two sets of eyes on me. Even Eve, busy feeding, seems to
be watching me from the corners of her eyes. I fumble for a moment, and then it
hits me. "The only two people outside of my family I'd let nag me as much as
they do."
Xena grins, and Joxer crooks the corner of his mouth up, almost reluctantly. It's a start, anyway. I'm relieved; even as it's a little scary
to have the kind of power over someone that can make them mope with just a look,
it's also nice to be able to cheer them up with a few words. It occurs to me,
as it has a few times before, that if someone asked me to define my relationship
with Joxer I wouldn't be able to. He's just Joxer- that's the only answer I
can give. He's Joxer- I love the big dope- what more is there to say?
Clinking on her glass, Xena announces a toast as well. "To Gabrielle, who is as vicious to marauding armies as she is to me and Joxer when we don't let
her sleep in." She snickers, and drinks as I make a face at her.
"Your turn, Joxer," I say mischieviously. I have to wonder what he'll say about me. I can't help it- morbid curiosity, I guess.
He looks helpless for the first few moments, almost frozen like a stag in a clearing as it listens for a footstep. Then he looks thoughtful. My heart
has started to beat more quickly, and a part of me wonders if this was a good
idea. I roll my eyes at my own stupidity- it's just a joke, after all.
But what if he says something sincere? What if he says something about... his feelings? No, he would never. There's no reason for that. We're just
joking around, so he wouldn't...
He coughs, and raises his glass. His expression is serious, and he looks into my eyes. "To Gabrielle," he says, a throatiness to his voice that both
alarms and intrigues me. "Because you were the greatest friend of all."
My heartbeat speeds up again, and I'm about to say something when he interrupts me, his face still pointedly serious. "Except for when you split my
lip in two." At that, his face splits into a decidedly wicked grin, and he
downs his drink.
Part of me wants to cry. I don't know why, but it's my first reaction. My heart is thudding, and somehow I feel - let down. The next thing I know I'm
angry, biting back a reply, but suddenly that passes as well and a giggle
escapes my lips.
Xena is watching us both as if we're crazy while I start laughing so hard I'm shaking, and Joxer is giving me a smug grin. "That's it!" I yell, jumping
up and brandishing my own half-full cup, "It's bath time!"
And really, I don't know how neither Joxer nor myself end up with any liquid on us at all, and I especially don't know how our mock-fight ends up with
me hugging his head and continuing to giggle. All I really know is that he's
done it again, and as we look at each other I see, shining in his eyes, the
reason I enjoy being around him. If it's his love, I don't know, but just now I
don't mind it.
It's just Joxer.
*****
© 2000 by Xebbie
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