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*****
Ah, the timeless art of seduction.
No greater dance is there than the slow, langourous prelude to the act of love. Two people, perhaps strangers, perhaps known to each other; a moment begins it, a glance, a word.
She sits beside him. Laughter. Jokes, it would seem, or perhaps brief accounts of the day's events. He buys her a drink; she accepts both the offer and the meaning behind it.
Intoxicants speed the mood along. Friendly glances give way to coy smiles.
Her hands wave as she speaks. He watches them, considers how best to reply: how to remain suave, confident, attractive?
His drink spills in his lap.
Others in the tavern roar with laughter, but as she helps him clean it, there are no others. More laughter, his apologetic, hers amused. Their eyes meet, warm with the comfort of the moment, but warmer still with the shared knowledge of what is going to happen.
They know. They want. Hands linger.
They leave together.
*****
As he slowly came to consciousness the next morning, Joxer wrapped himself in the thin blanket and nearly attached himself to the object that lay next to him, radiating soft warmth. It felt nice. He breathed in, smelled it; Woman, his still-forming thoughts concluded. Woman smell good. He smiled. Familiar, too, it seemed, as he snuggled up into her neck. Not a stranger; he knew her.
Gabrielle.
He knew joy. For a blissful moment he lay there, basking in the joy of waking up next to Gabrielle, shining in her warmth before she, inevitably, woke up and felt suitably horrified. He slid an arm around her waist, and that did it; she woke up.
There was a painful shot in his ribs, then she kicked him out of bed. He landed on his head. "Gabby?" he croaked weakly, and from the edge of the bedframe her head rose into view. Black hair. Blue eyes. Murderous look. "Gaaaaah," he managed.
"Joxer," whispered Xena, and the murder started to fade from her expression, until she only looked halfway ready to kill him. She blinked. He waited for her to say something, since nothing was coming to his mind. Silence. "Joxer," she said again, finally.
"Hi," he offered. Blankly, Xena reached down and pulled him back up onto the bed. She was very naked, though she didn't seem to care. He tried not to care, either, and hoped she didn't notice him staring. "Um," he began. She was chewing her thumbnail, looking distressed. "Did we-"
"No."
He waited a moment. "Are you sure? Because I kinda think we did-"
"Joxer, please. I had a crappy day yesterday, Gabrielle is going to kill us as it is, and I can't remember anything past my fifth drink last night, so please - just give me this."
He shut up, and rearranged the bedsheets while she kept chewing on her thumbnail.
Finally she sighed. "Okay, we did."
"You remember?"
"Not precisely." She grimaced. "But enough. Dammit."
In another state of mind, Joxer might have been offended by her reaction... but somehow, the cold sort of horror in his own stomach just wasn't leaving any room for other emotions.
Xena looked up, looked around - looked, it seemed, anywhere but at Joxer. "Is this my room or yours?"
"Uh..." He had no idea. The floor was covered with clothing that recognizably belonged to both of them. "I don't know," he said uselessly. Xena hadn't been waiting for his answer.
"It has to be yours, because I left my sword in my room before we went down to the tavern last night," she said as she sprang up and started gathering her clothes. "I distinctly remember that. I left my sword, but took my chakram." Boot. Gauntlet. Shift. "The chakram is better in bar fights." She found her panties and dropped everything else to put them on. "I remember I was really hoping to get into a bar fight."
Joxer nodded, only half-listening. His initial horror was starting to brown on the edges into misery and guilt. Gabrielle - what was she going to say? How could he tell her this? It was just a little while ago that he'd sworn he'd always love her, no matter how she felt, and he'd gone on to prove it by boffing her best friend. ...Not to mention his best friend.
Back to the cold horror, now. He shuddered.
Xena, meanwhile, had nearly dressed and was just working on her boots. "Okay, screw the laces," she snapped after fumbling a bit. "I can hardly even see the damn things." She sat back down on the bed. Her hair was a mess and she looked exhausted. "Okay. Any luck and Gabrielle won't be awake yet. I can get back to my room, clean up, maybe even get some more rest, and by the time she comes out she won't even know I was gone."
Joxer looked up at her. "Aren't you going to tell her?"
"Of course I'm going to tell her," Xena answered testily. Joxer wasn't sure if he was relieved or not. "But it has to be just the right way. And until I think of what that way is, you're not saying a word either." Joxer looked doubtful. "I'm not asking you to lie, dummy," she clarified. "The subject probably won't even come up, so we just won't mention it. Just try not to think about it."
"Oh," he said. "Uh, see you in a while then?" But Xena was already most of the way out of the door as he said it, and he was left in bed alone.
*****
The inn was rather quiet, and Gabrielle was nowhere to be seen. It was probably still early, then. Xena felt profoundly relieved over that; she could get a few more hours' worth of sleep, get past this hangover, and then she'd be able to pull herself together enough to deal with this... this severe lack of judgment.
Joxer. Gods, what had she been thinking last night? Putting aside the Gabrielle situation, Xena thought of Joxer as a family member. Having sex with him was incestuous. She made a mental vow to lay off the booze from now on, and started to open the door to her room.
And pulled it shut again as the room next door opened, and Gabrielle stepped out. "Oh, you're up!" she said brightly, smiling sunnily. "I was just getting ready to go to breakfast - are you ready?"
Xena sighed resignedly, and took her hand off the doorknob. "Yeah," she said, with a mental shrug.
Her best friend looked her up and down, frowning. "Xena, I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you look terrible. Did you sleep at all last night?"
Scowling, Xena answered, "Not a whole lot."
"How many drinks did you have?"
Gods, not Gabrielle the Mother Hen. Her head beginning to pound, Xena guessed, "Thirteen."
Gabrielle's nose wrinkled in distaste. "Well, I'm glad I left early, if this is how it ended up. Did Joxer get to bed alright?"
Xena felt herself going pale, but she forced herself to answer. "Just fine."
"That's good. I don't trust him when he's drunk, you know... he's pathetic enough totally sober." Xena winced; Gabrielle's voice was starting to have the same effect on her head as a dagger. Gabrielle looked at her critically again, and stepped closer to her. Then she sniffed. "You know... you smell like..." Her brow furrowed. There was a pause, during which Xena's pulse sped up considerably. Finally Gabrielle finished, "Like alcohol. Ugh. First thing in the morning, too."
"Mmm."
"Well, I guess we might as well go down for breakfast," Gabrielle said, mercifully letting the subject drop. "I wonder if Joxer's up yet?"
There was a clunking sound from across the hall, and Joxer's door burst open. The would-be warrior in question fell through the open doorframe, still tugging on a boot. "I'm up! I'm up, hey what a great morning!" He stumbled to his feet, looking paler than usual, and grinned weakly. "Hi Gabby."
"Oh good," Gabrielle said absently, and paid him no more attention as she went downstairs. Joxer was close on her heels, trying his best to show a sunny disposition, and was followed in marked constrast by a scowling Xena.
*****
Much as she wanted to look away, Xena found she couldn't stop staring as Gabrielle ate her sausages. Joxer, on the other hand, was examining the table top in close detail. "The innkeeper recommends these," Gabrielle said with her mouth full. "I can see why, they're great. He called them something weird, too... I forget." Noticing Xena's stare, she raised an eyebrow. "Do you want one?"
Xena shook her head vehemently, still staring at the sausage. "I'm good."
"I figured," Gabrielle answered. "You never have an appetite the morning after." Joxer looked up in shock, his eyes darting from Xena to Gabrielle and back again. Xena, glaring, elbowed him under the table. "Really," Gabrielle continued, "you should know your limits. Both of you should - I'm not saying there's anything wrong with drinking, honestly, but why overdo it if this is going to be the result? You both look like Tartarus warmed over."
"Thanks for worrying," Joxer said in what was either a sincere attempt to stay positive, or failed sarcasm.
"Well, someone has to!" Gabrielle put her food down for a moment and stared earnestly at her friends. "I mean, with the way you two were going at it last night, it's a good thing I was nearby or else who knows what kind of trouble you might have gotten into!" She looked down at her plate and her face lit up. "Oh, I remember what he called them now!" Looking up at Joxer, she held out a sausage and said, "Banger?"
Joxer stood up quickly. "I have to go." Xena groaned.
*****
"Look," said Xena, quietly but firmly, "the first thing we have to establish is that it's never going to happen again. Right?"
Emphatically, Joxer said, "Definitely right."
"We're on the same page about this. I just want to make perfectly sure."
"Xena," Joxer said sincerely, "trust me. It's not you - you were, I mean, you were... very..."
"Shut up," she said, rescuing him.
"Thanks," he said with relief. "Anyway, regardless, I just don't think of you like that."
Xena felt one small burden lift off her shoulders as he said that. "I'm glad to hear that, then. We don't-"
"You're too much like family, you know?" he went on. Before she could respond, either agree or just tell him to shut up again, he'd added, "It's kinda like if I did it with one of my brothers."
Despite her agreement on the "family" statement, Xena found that she - like most women - didn't relish having her sexual attractiveness compared to that of a man's. "Yeah, yeah," she muttered, fighting down the urge to smack him. "So it ain't happening again. Ever," she added with a glare. Joxer gulped.
Up ahead, Gabrielle walked by herself, and brooded. If there was one thing she hated, it was not knowing everything. Something was going on, and she wasn't a part of it, and nobody was showing any signs of making her a part of it.
Ever since breakfast, Xena and Joxer had been practically inseparable. They were both jumpy, whispering to each other all the time and then looking all startled when she came close. And they were both just acting strangely, even apart.
Well - Xena's surly mood today could be explained easily enough: the amount of alcohol she'd put away the night before always left her with a hangover to kill an army, and today was obviously not an exception. Gabrielle had fully expected her to be mostly silent and grouchy for the better part of the day.
That was why it was so bizarre that she and Joxer were conferring so much. Looking back over her shoulder, Gabrielle was annoyed - but not particularly surprised - to see that they were, once again, walking with their heads close together, whispering with serious looks on their faces.
And speaking of Joxer, his behaviour was almost inexplicable. Gabrielle assumed he was hungover as well, just from his general appearance, but that might have just been Joxer being Joxer. Otherwise, where Xena was short-tempered and quiet, Joxer was all nervous smiles and attentiveness. Irritating attentiveness. When he wasn't trading whispers with Xena, he was up ahead with Gabrielle, offering to carry things, trying to make small talk. He hadn't been this bad in some months now. Maybe he was still drunk.
Stealing another glance back at her two friends, Gabrielle caught them as they looked up at her. As soon as they saw her face they straightened up, looking guilty. Oh, yeah - that made her think nothing was going on. Sure. She snorted and turned away from them.
Behind her, Joxer and Xena waited until they were sure she was going to stay where she was, and then leaned back towards each other. "See? All we're doing is talking without her, and she looks like she's going to blow up any second now," Xena muttered.
"Look, I know she's gonna kill us, but I just..." Joxer trailed off, and shrugged. "I can't go on like this. It's not fair. She's gotta know."
Xena looked thoughtful. "Can a person really make so many double-entendres by accident? If it were anyone but Gabrielle I'd think she did know and was messing with us."
"She wouldn't do that!" Joxer said faithfully.
"No," Xena agreed, raising an eyebrow. "She'd just kill us."
His shoulders sinking, Joxer offered, "Maybe she won't kill you. Maybe she'll just kill me. I mean, I'm the one she beats up anyway, so it's only a step away." Xena was shaking her head, when Gabrielle's voice floated back to them.
"You know," she said in a loud, clear voice, apparently to her horse as she led him down the path, "it's funny, isn't it, Horse, how the longer a person is kept in the dark, the less sympathy she has for people with problems?"
Horse shook his head in response, but made no other comment.
Leaning in towards Xena again, Joxer offered, "You know, I think she's going to kill us anyway."
Xena agreed.
*****
From behind Gabrielle, someone cleared their throat. She stopped, and turned to see both Xena and Joxer waiting nervously. Gabrielle couldn't suppress a smug smile. "Do we have something to say?" she asked sweetly.
Clenching his hands, Joxer said, "We are so sorry."
Gabrielle's smile fell away, even as Xena shot a look at Joxer. "What's going on?" she asked her two friends. Xena cleared her throat.
"Well, I was thinking, Gabrielle... don't you always say that the most important quality a person can have is forgiveness?" She didn't wait more than a second for Gabrielle to respond, before adding, "I think maybe we should remember that right now."
Tightly, Gabrielle repeated, "What is going on?"
Joxer blurted out, "We are so sorry." Xena elbowed him.
"You know how sometimes, when you're drunk, you end up doing stupid things?" said Xena with a very slight, self-deprecating smile. Gabrielle nodded, and Xena waited a moment and then gestured in Joxer's direction.
Gabrielle waited for Joxer to say something, but was met only with silence. She started to get a little alarmed, and tried to joke. "You did Joxer?"
Joxer winced. "We are so sorry!"
Her hand flew to her mouth. "Oh Gods," she whispered, taking it in. Xena coughed and looked skyward, her hands behind her back, while Joxer's shoulders slumped to the point where he looked like a puppet with no one holding his strings. "You -" The first word brought her passion back to life. "You had sex with Joxer?!"
"Drunk sex!" answered Xena quickly, waving her hands. "It doesn't count!"
Her anger mounting, Gabrielle shot back, "How can you say that?! You slept with Joxer! How can that not count, you're telling me it happened! Drunk or not, it counts!"
"Neither one of us knew what we were doing. Gabrielle, calm down, we can explain..."
"Sorry," Joxer said again, quickly. Xena grit her teeth and swatted his head.
"Calm down!? How - why should I calm down?! How could you do this, Xena? Joxer?" She looked back and forth between them, and then focused back on Xena again. "Gods, Xena, What were you thinking?? Joxer's my-"
Everything went quiet.
Gabrielle's mouth shut with an audible click, and she turned and stalked away from them. Xena blinked. "I wasn't expecting that."
Joxer looked astonished, and stood up straight almost for the first time that day.
Catching his arm, Xena said, "Don't ask her now."
He waited all of a half second before running off after the bard. "Gabby! Hey, Gabby, wait!"
Xena shrugged. "Well, I warned him."
"Gabby! I'm your what?" he yelled, catching up to her. She turned, and in one swift motion, pulled her hand back and clocked him in the face. With that done, she turned and started walking again.
Xena stopped when she passed him herself, a moment later. She raised an eyebrow at his form, lying unconscious in the mud. "Like having sex with your brothers, huh?" she muttered, and pulled Argo on her way.
*****
The silence in the campsite that evening was cold. Gabrielle's brusque movements kept Xena and Joxer from even attempting to start a conversation; instead, all three sat in different areas of the camp and contemplated dinner. Joxer, on his own near the fire, wondered if he should eat what Gabrielle had prepared, or if she'd poisoned it. He looked up and squinted towards the dim shapes of his other two friends: Xena, with the horses, and Gabrielle at the bedrolls. If only he'd gone to bed earlier last night... Or even better, if Gabrielle had stayed up with them. Then he might have ended up with her, and it would just be the expected horrible awkward situation between the two of them. Heck, at least that way he'd have the memories to look back on...
Or not, rather, since he couldn't really remember anything about being with Xena the night before. Which was really for the best.
He decided to eat dinner, in the hopes that it was poisoned.
Xena waited, listening to the noises coming from Gabrielle's side of the camp. When there were fewer bangs and thumps, she risked a guess that her friend had calmed down somewhat, and made her way over.
Gabrielle was cleaning the dishes at the edge of the site when Xena knelt down next to her. "I think Joxer's going to do something drastic soon. I saw him looking through dinner for hidden weapons," she said in a weak attempt at a joke. Gabrielle stayed silent. Xena counted to three, then said softly, "You have every right to be angry."
"No," Gabrielle said, just as quietly. "I really don't. I'm not interested in Joxer - it doesn't matter what you, or anyone else, does with him."
"Are you sure?" Xena didn't quite believe this, but she couldn't tell if Gabrielle did or not.
Nodding, Gabrielle said, "Very sure. I'm surprised you even have to ask."
"So you're not mad anymore?"
A pause. "I'm working on that."
Xena accepted this. Smirking slightly, she added, "He thought he was with you, anyway."
Gabrielle didn't answer, but even in the darkness Xena could see the tiny, smug smile her friend was trying to hide.
It was a few minutes later when Joxer looked through the fire and saw Gabrielle, illuminated by the glow of the flames, coming towards him. She looked at once angelic and demonic, the loveliest of evils. This was definitely the end. He made peace with the world and his life as she sat down next to him, and by the time she cleared her throat and said, "Joxer?" he was ready for the killing blow.
"Hey," he answered.
She considered her words for a moment, then said, "Was dinner okay?"
Was she checking to see if the poison was working? "It was great," he said enthusiastically. It had been great.
"Good." She nodded absently. "Well, I... I'm sorry I hit you," she began. Joxer was surprised into silence. "I was... very shocked."
"I'm sorry," was all he could offer.
She looked a little irritated in the light of the fire. Maybe she was more irritated than she looked, he wasn't sure. "I know, you've said that. I... I was really surprised, that's all. I mean - it was a lot to take in, and I never expected..."
"Me neither!" He looked her in the eyes for a moment, then found it painful, and looked back into the fire. Much better. "Oh, man, Gabby, it was NOT in the plan for last night. I mean it."
"I don't know, Joxer." She sighed. "I don't know what to believe about you. I mean, you said you loved me, not that it really matters, but if you loved me how could you have done this? Not that it matters."
He was confused for a moment. "Do - do you really want an answer to that?"
"No." She shook her head. "I don't. Like I said, it doesn't matter."
He had a feeling that it did matter, but he didn't know what to say, so he waited. There was only one thing he could think to say. "I was so drunk..."
"It doesn't matter..."
"I mean, I don't even remember it at all."
Gabrielle cocked her head to the side, considering this. In an even tone, she said, "I shouldn't be in your affairs, anyway. But it is Xena, so, you know, that makes it different."
This was a point of worry for Joxer. Gabrielle and Xena should not be fighting. "Are you still mad at her?" he asked carefully.
She laughed shortly, and shrugged. "Oh, we'll work it out. We always do." She looked at Joxer, and he was forced to look back at her. When he did, somehow he felt better; she was smiling. "I can't really explain why I was angry. But I'm sorry."
"No, I'm-"
"I know you're sorry," she cut him off. "Don't say it again. Please."
He blinked. She wasn't going to kill him. "Okay. Uh... no problem."
Gabrielle studied him for a moment, fire dancing in her eyes. "You really don't even remember it?" she said quietly.
"Nope."
"Huh." She pondered in silence for a second, then without warning grabbed him by the face and kissed him, hard, and was that her tongue? When she let go, he was caught by the momentum of her actions, and fell off the log. Gabrielle grinned. "You'll remember that, though, won't you?"
She bounced up from her seat and skipped back to the bedrolls. Passing Xena, she said triumphantly, "Now we're even."
The timeless art of seduction lives on.
*****
© 2003 by Xebbie
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