Xena had, for years, hated crowded markets. She usually avoided them, unless she needed new weapons or supplies for Argo, or unless she was convinced by an outside party that a shopping trip might do her some good. In this case, it was the first situation - her sword was wearing down, and she felt it was time to look into a good whetstone. She'd come alone because, as much as she loved her best friend, there were times when it was even worse to be in a crowded market with her than it was alone.
     She was pleased to see, as she walked, that she still exuded the same air of confidence and dangerousness that caused a majority of people to get out of her way as she passed. Now that came in handy while avoiding crowds.
     But, one never could entirely avoid getting shoved around, especially when at the marketplace in midday. Xena was browsing a small jewelry stand, considering taking a surprise back to the camp with her, when someone walked into her with enough force to almost knock her into the pile of goods she was inspecting.
     It took a lot of effort to keep her chakram at her side and out of her hands at times like these, but Xena was getting better at this 'control' thing... at least, she liked to think she was... She could handle it.
     The woman who had run into her was babbling apologies at high speed. "Oh, sheesh! I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was-" The blonde stopped short, and dropped the cloth sack she'd been holding. "Xena."
     Xena stared, as the world fell away around her and the only thing she saw was a pair of brilliant green-blue eyes. "Gabrielle," she managed quietly.
     They stared. For an eternity, they did nothing but stare.
     Finally Gabrielle laughed, tears in her eyes, and embraced the Warrior Princess. "By the Gods! I don't believe it! Oh, Xena, it's been so long!"
     "Yeah," she agreed, returning the hug, moving through sheer force of will alone. Her arms felt like lead, her insides, numb. Gabrielle...
     "It's been about three years, hasn't it?" the blonde continued, pulling back from her old friend and examining her face. "You look terrific - just the same."
     Xena stared back at the woman she'd once thought she'd spend the rest of her life with - the love to end all loves. "You look different," she said quietly. Gabrielle's hair was significantly shorter, just brushing her shoulders now, though she still wore the hairband. Her face was thinner, her skin a little lighter, but her eyes... Her eyes were the same beautiful, deep, loving jewels they'd always been.
     She shook herself. What they'd had, it was in the past now - she'd moved on, Gabrielle had moved on, it was over. With a sigh she put all feelings of the past aside, and squeezed her old friend's hands. "Different, but wonderful. It's great to see you."
     "I know," Gabrielle said, sighing. "Can you talk? I don't want to let you get away without catching up at least a little but I understand if you really have to be somew-"
     "I'm free," said Xena, smiling gently. Gabrielle hadn't been this talkative since... Her smile fell a notch. Enough of memories. She followed the younger woman down the agora, to a restaurant with a patio, and they sat.
     Silence ensued for a moment, and Gabrielle looked away uncomfortably, then eagerly said, "So, I hear you're travelling with someone!"
     Xena raised an eyebrow. "Where'd you hear that?"
     "Oh, you know. It's the buzz." She smiled, blushing a little.
     Chuckling, the dark-haired warrior said, "Ah, so I'm town gossip now, am I?"
     "You've always been a popular conversation topic, Xena," Gabrielle replied matter- of-factly. "What's her name? What's she like? Tell me all about her."
     Xena sighed. "Ohh, well, she's only been with me for about a year now. She was an Amazon, actually. Her name is Melia."
     Gabrielle blinked. "She's not one of my-"
     "Oh, no. No, she's from a northern tribe I had some dealings with. She was very young when I first met her, and to be honest she got on my nerves. A lot of hero-worship. But, she grew up a bit, and when I came by the tribe again she-" The Warrior Princess paused, smiling faintly. "She challenged me to a duel, actually. I think she thought she had to prove she could take care of herself." She chuckled. "I whupped her butt."
     "But you let her come along with you anyway, when you left?"
     "She followed me," Xena shrugged. "It was like you - I couldn't stop her. Weird, to get used to having someone around all the time, again. I'd just gotten used to being alone, it seemed."
     "So do you like her?" Gabrielle asked, leaning close in a conspiratorial kind of way.
     "Sure I do. If I hadn't, she wouldn't have lasted this long. She puts up with a lot." Grinning, she added, "She cooks."
     Gabrielle leaned back again, her eyes dropping to the table. Softly, she asked, "Do you love her?"
     Silence returned. Emotions flitted through Xena in rapid succession - hurt, love, hope, anger, and even satisfaction at causing Gabrielle some pain. "I..." She frowned, looking at her hands. "I don't believe in love, Gabrielle. Not for me. Maybe not at all."
     "That's so sad," Gabrielle breathed, and Xena looked up to see the sympathetic eyes glowing with soon-to-be-shed tears. She could only shrug, and look away. Gabrielle exhaled heavily, sniffled a little, and said, "Well - I'm still with Joxer. After you left-"
     "I know," Xena said. She crossed her arms, and still wouldn't look up. Wouldn't, or couldn't, she wasn't sure. It didn't matter much anyway.
     After another sniffle, Gabrielle whispered, "He loves me, you know."
     Her voice was clearly audible, even at a whisper. It was the only sound in the world. "I know," she said again.
     "He just told me a few weeks ago." Her voice was shaking. "He said it took him so long because he didn't want to ruin our friendship."
     Xena was bouncing her leg, almost irritably. "What do you think of that?"
     "I love him, too," she answered. "I told him right after he told me."
     "Ah."
     "We're getting married, in a couple of weeks."
     "Congrats."
     "Would you... Would you come?"
     "I think I'm busy."
     Gabrielle burst into tears.
     Xena shot forward in her chair so quickly she almost fell, gathering the bard into her arms by reflex and smoothing her hair. "Oh no. No, don't, Gabrielle. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
     Sobbing, Gabrielle said, "I know - that was insensitive of me-"
     "No, no, it wasn't."
     "I just - I didn't want you to think that - I didn't care-"
     "I know how you meant it, sweetheart. I know." All the doors that had been so carefully shut and boarded over now trembled ominously, as what was behind them threatened to burst through. She had to get ahold of herself, or else she was going to lose it completely. As Gabrielle quieted, so did Xena, and eventually they sat clinging to one another in silence.
     It was Gabrielle who broke it, and her question beat at another door in Xena's heart. "Why couldn't we work it out, Xena?"

     She pushed the horse to its limit, pounding across the land in search of the one thing she hated most - the one thing she lived to destroy.
     Gabrielle.
     Her son, her hope and future, was dead at the hands of Gabrielle's demon-spawn daughter... the one Gabrielle had lied to protect. She'd lied, she'd betrayed her - the one person Xena had let into her heart had ripped it out, had killed her child as surely as if she'd stabbed him herself.
     How. Damn you, Gabrielle, how?! I loved you!
     The Amazons saw her coming, and scrambled, as their regent yelled at them to stop her. No luck. She had lost everything, she had nothing left to give up; to kill the Amazons who stood in the way of her vengeance was an all-too simple thing. Pulling the horse to a stop, she snarled, "Where's Gabrielle?"
     Joxer, bless him, with his usual timing, brought the betraying bitch right to her. Ephiny stepped in the way, throwing her Amazons as a distraction, but it didn't matter. She could see her. Those deceiving eyes, those lips that had caressed and loved and comforted and told oh so many lies... Her rage exploded, and as Joxer set the smaller woman down it was easy, so damn easy for Xena to lasso her feet as she ran, to yank, to pull her down into the dirt where she belonged.
     "Xena - what are you doing?!"
     Somehow, he got close enough to grab her arm and yank her to face him. If she hadn't seen his eyes, she didn't know what she would have done, but something in them... No blame... No anger, just confusion, incomprehension, and a will to die for the woman he loved.
     Xena blinked as something inside her saw herself, through his eyes. His best friend, a woman he'd always looked up to and respected, trying to destroy the thing she loved most in the world. Her forgiveness, her light, the only thing that wanted and comforted and accepted her. The only thing - the only person who had ever mattered.
     No wonder he didn't understand.
     She didn't understand either.
     She dropped the rope, taking a step back with her hands covering her mouth in horror.
     "Xena...?" He followed her, and she recoiled from his hand, afraid to let him touch her.
     "Get her out of here, Joxer," she whispered brokenly. "Get her out of here, and don't ever let me get near her again. Protect her. For her sake, get her out of here!" Tears streaming down her face, she'd run. Run from the village, from Gabrielle, and the life she'd almost had.

     She didn't say anything for what seemed like hours. How could she trust herself to speak? It had taken so long to even begin to heal, to start to confront the self-loathing she'd felt after nearly killing her lover. All she'd known, for more than a year, was the disgust and fear she knew others had felt for her since her days as a warlord. And now, it was all that she was.
     After so much time, after being given so much by Gabrielle...
     "I tried to kill you," she said quietly. "I couldn't face you."
     Gabrielle squeezed the taller woman, sniffling against her chest. "I waited for you."
     "Oh... please, don't..."
     "I did," she said, her voice breaking. "I waited for so long... For you to come, and explain what had happened. Joxer wouldn't tell me. He was waiting for you too, I think, Xena, but..." She sniffed again, and sat up, pulling out from the warrior's embrace. Her wet eyes met Xena's dry, darkened ones, searching them for something. "I really thought..." She shook her head.
     The walls stayed up. Xena pushed against them, forcefully, to keep her barriers intact. "I'm sorry," she said tightly. "I... I thought about it. Every day. I thought about you. But you weren't safe with me, Gabrielle."
     "I took that risk on purpose. I learned to fight because of-"
     "That's not-" she stopped, choking on her words, and took a sharp breath. "-What I meant. I meant... that I... I was the dangerous thing in your life."
     The green-blue eyes went hooded, unhappy, and looked away from the striking blue orbs which only now seemed to be glistening. "You never thought that maybe I wanted that?" she whispered. "That I wanted to - to deal with it, to help you?"
     "I couldn't put you through it. Gabrielle, you're too precious to be..."
     The blonde shook her head, tears running down her face again, but was silent. She breathed in. "You never understood," she said. "I was so hurt - what happened, with Hope... I hurt you, through my own stupidity. And I never got the chance to - to tell you how sorry I was." Xena glared at something on her left, the corners of her mouth turning down as the tears behind her eyes threatened to break through. "That's what love is, Xena. It's communicating, working out troubles - working past fears."
     The Warrior Princess blinked in an effort to keep the tears back. It was too late, however, and two drops rolled down her cheeks as she bit the inside of her bottom lip, her glare becoming darker by the second. "I just - wanted to protect you," she said heavily. The walls shuddered, and she felt an urge to run again, as she had years ago.
     "I know," Gabrielle whispered, putting her hand over top of her past love's. "I just wish you'd opened up more, Xena. I wanted you to open up to me so much-"
     With a final shudder, a wall fell, and Xena put her head forward and sobbed. For a long moment, Gabrielle simply sat and stroked her hand, making comforting noises, but didn't speak or move. Finally Xena lifted her head, wiping her eyes and sniffling uncomfortably. She looked deep into Gabrielle's eyes, and saw what she had always feared.
     The bard had closed off, too. The endless love in her eyes that had once been there, was now gone. Dormant, Xena prayed, but nonetheless it wasn't present. "I miss you," she said huskily, "every day, I miss you. I'm not whole without you."
     Gabrielle lifted her hand and kissed it. "I know just what you mean," she said, the emotion in her voice so thick that Xena feared she'd choke on it.
     "Come with me," she said, desperately, "we'll start again. I'll try, Gabrielle, for you I'll try anything. Please," she pleaded, the tears flowing freely again down her cheeks.
     But the blonde bard only looked away sadly, tears on her eyelashes, and pushed her lips together as if in pain. "Xena, I can't."
     "It'll be different this time. Please, Gabrielle."
     "Xena." She was crying again as well, now. "I'm marrying Joxer, Xena. I can't, don't ask me this now. Oh, Gods, please."
     She shook, grasping at Gabrielle's hands, trying to pull herself together. "I love you," she said quietly.
     "He does too. He's been there for me - for years now, he's been all I had. He gave me back everything I lost after you ... after. I owe him everything, Xena, including my life. I can't leave him." She stared into the dark-haired warrior's eyes, searching for understanding, and sighed when she found it. But it came with a resignation, a closing... very nearly a death of something deep inside Xena, and for that, Gabrielle hated herself.
     Control came back. Xena kept Gabrielle's hands within her own, but nodded. "He's good to you," she said softly, more calmly than she'd thought she could manage.
     "He is. I love him for it."
     She nodded again. "He'll never care for you more than I do."
     They held each others' eyes, and Gabrielle murmured, "I know. But it's something." She leaned forward to Xena, and caught the woman's lips with her own in a gentle, sad caress. "I'll always love you, too," she whispered at last, and leaned back.
     Xena sighed, and leaned back as well, relinquishing Gabrielle's hand. They sat in silence for a long time, unable to speak or even look at each other, but neither one willing to leave each other for a final time.
     "She makes you happy, doesn't she?" Gabrielle said finally.
     "Melia?" Xena looked up in surprise, and the bard nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, she does, at that."
     "I'm glad. That you have someone." She smiled sadly.
     "Yeah." The thought of the smaller Amazon cheered Xena, fractionally, and she allowed herself a smile. "It's not what we had. But, there's nothing like what we had."
     "No," Gabrielle said, almost inaudibly. "There isn't."
     "She's... She understands me, I guess. What she knows of me. I try to - to be a good person, ya know? I try to be for her what... what I couldn't be for you."
     "Oh, Xena." Gabrielle sighed, tilting her head. "Let her in, Xena. You need to finally let someone in there."
     She smiled softly. "You're there." The silence this time was more comfortable, and Xena let it extend and cover them for as long as she could before asking, "Are you happy? With Joxer?"
     "Yeah," Gabrielle answered, without hesitation. "I really am. It's different from us, like you said, but... It's still good. Funny, huh? Me and Joxer, who'd have thought it?" She chuckled, and so did Xena, almost in surprise at her own ability to laugh.
     A voice from far down the agora startled them both. "Hey! Gabby!"
     Gabrielle stood up quickly. "It's Joxer. Um - do you want to see-"
     She stopped, as Xena had already stood and was getting ready to go. "No. I can't. Not like this." Part of her protested - she'd probably never get the chance to see him again. But her nerves had left her after this encounter, and she wasn't sure she'd survive it emotionally. Nor was she sure, for that matter, that she deserved to see him again. "Have a good life, Gabrielle."
     Gabrielle stared at her, then turned back to the direction her fiance had called her from. "Over here, Joxer!" she called, waving, then stepped out of his sight and slid her arms around her former love's waist. She kissed her on the cheek, and whispered, "It's always been you."
     Xena kissed her forehead, and left without a word.
     She watched from a corner as Gabrielle ran to the man who'd won her heart. He'd changed, left the armour behind just as the bard had lost her staff; but he was still the lanky, goofy man she'd known and found a place in her heart for. That alone made it strange to see her bard throw her arms around him, as he grabbed her and spun her, grinning from ear to ear. And on her way back to Melia, her heart ached, and she realized that the wall that had been destroyed today would probably never be rebuilt. But perhaps she wanted it that way. Let her in, Xena. You need to finally let someone in there.
     You're there.
     She sighed. Oh, this mess I have made.

© 2000 by Xebbie