He really had no idea why he was here.
     After all, so far he'd had nothing but bad luck at the hands of the Gods. Aphrodite had used him for that little spell of hers, Cupid had just about ruined his life with those arrows- well, granted, it wasn't really Cupid but his son... but still. And he certainly had no love lost with Ares.
     In fact, Joxer was the butt of the Gods' jokes. And Aphrodite was the worst of them.
     So why was he in one of her temples, making an offer and humbling himself?
     Because the only chance he had at winning Gabrielle's heart was by sucking up to the Goddess of Love... and he'd try anything to win Gabrielle.
     "O gracious Aphrodite, please accept these offerings from your humble servant," he began. He'd been saving for weeks to buy his offerings: an ivory carving of a heron and a necklace which he'd originally wanted to give to Gabby, but decided to sacrifice for the occasion. Oh yes, and grapes. He hoped Aphrodite liked grapes. These offerings left him not just broke, but in debt; but if they worked well enough for the Goddess to actually bestow a favour upon him, it would be worth it. "Please hear my prayer and grant me that which I desire."
     There was a small *whooshing* noise and then a honey-coated voice said, "Well, well, if it isn't little Joxie! How's it hangin', cutie?"
     Joxer's head snapped up. "Aphrodite!"
     "Yeah, babe, we've met. No need for introductions, sheesh! So whaddaya want? Like I can't guess." She picked up the carving of the heron, inspected it, and made a disinterested face as she tossed it over her shoulder. It disappeared in midair.
     Joxer swallowed, and tried to imitate her "go-with-the-flow" manner. "Well, uh, 'Dite, I'm here because I want something. Something only you can give me." He gave her a brash grin and hooked his thumbs into his belt loops.
     The look on the Goddess's face went from disinterest to amusement. "You've gotta be kidding me."
     Joxer blinked, then started. "No! No no no! I'm just here to find a way to win Gabrielle!"
     "Oh, is that all? I coulda guessed that," sighed Aphrodite. "So, what, a love potion? For these offerings," she gave the necklace a sidelong glance and didn't look impressed, "I can make it 24 hours but that's it."
     "No, no potions. No love charms. I've had... bad experiences with those before."
     "So I've heard," she said with a giggle. Joxer flushed. He knew it was a source of amusement for them, he just knew it! "So, what then? I might have phenomenal bodacious powers, cutie, but mind-reading isn't one of them."
     "Okay." This was it. Joxer took a deep breath and told her the plan he'd come up with about two weeks ago, the last time he'd seen Gabrielle. "Well, you remember a while back when you... uh... put that spell on me that made me... well..."
     "Made you competent?" she asked with a smirk. "Yep. You want it again, is that what you're saying?"
     "Well, yeah. Only I want to be able to remember what I'm doing this time- I want to be the one in control, not you."
     "You're askin' a lot here, babe. This is gonna cost you."
     He groaned. "I was afraid of that," he said unhappily. "I don't have anything else. I don't even have any money to get you anything else."
     Aphrodite smiled and patted him comfortingly on his shoulder. "That's okay, Joxer. There are... alternative methods of payment."
     There was a brief pause. But only a brief one. Then Joxer grinned, sheepishly and yet at the same time wolfishly. "Well, okay, but you must understand that I'll be thinking of Gabrielle the whole time," he said.
     "What?"
     Ignoring her, he continued. "Ah, I shouldn't be surprised. After all, they don't call me 'Master of Virility' for noth-"
     "Ugh! Gross! As if!" Aphrodite exclaimed, and pulled her hand away from him as if he were refuse. "I'm saying you can offer your services- not those services, you dweeb! - as my servant for a year!"
     "Oh." Joxer looked disappointed. "Well, okay. I'll do anything to win Gabby's heart."
     Aphrodite rolled her eyes at this last comment. "Mortals," she said under her breath. "Okay, hold still, this'll only take a sec."
     "Hang on!" said Joxer nervously. "Now- I just want to make sure this'll work. You're sure that this'll make me irresistable to women?"
     "That's the plan, studmuffin."
     "All women?"
     She glared at him. "Yes. All women."
     "So every single woman I meet will want me?"
     "YES! Is there a problem with that?"
     He grinned. "Naw. I just like the sound of it." This earned him another look of disgust from Aphrodite. Then she waved her hands and they shimmered. After a moment, the glow transferred to him.
     Through the sparkles, he heard Aphrodite. "You got a week before you're working for me, Joxiekins. Make the most of it, huh?" Then she was gone, and so was the shimmer. But on the offering table in front of him was a small silver bell, on a chain. Joxer picked it up, and rang out one high, clear note.

     Gabrielle stared at the darkening sky as the evening turned to twilight. "Isn't it gorgeous?" she said. "The way the pink becomes purple, and then blue... And the stars coming out way up in the heavens... Gods, I can't think of a more beautiful sight." She sighed.
     Xena looked up from sharpening her sword and stared into the sky for a few seconds. "Just looks like atmosphere to me, Gabrielle," she said dismissively, and turned her focus back to her sword again.
     The bard 'hmph'ed loudly. "You just don't have a poetic bone in your body, do you?" she said. Oh well, that was Xena for you. Gabrielle had pretty much gotten used to it, and it certainly wasn't Xena that staring into the romantic night sky had gotten her longing for. The only man she'd ever truly loved, Perdicus, was dead after only one night of wedded bliss. But there were still times when she was sure she could almost feel his presence with her, the memory of his touch and laugh still as strong as the day they were married.
     It was sad and scary to her that those times were becoming fewer and fewer. She didn't want to forget him. But just now, she was sure she felt him, looking up at the sky with her and sending her his love the only way he could. I know you can hear my thoughts, my love, she thought. Just know that I miss you. I would love to feel your arms around me, tonight, right now. That was one thing she missed deeply. There was a big difference between hugging Xena and hugging the man she loved.
     Under the pretense of rubbing her eyes sleepily, Gabrielle wiped away a tear that was beginning to form. Then she yawned- she really was nearly ready for bed anyway. "I think I'm ready to turn in, Xena," she said.
     "Already? The sun just set." Xena's voice held genuine surprise.
     "It's been a long day," said Gabrielle half-apologetically. "We were up at the crack of dawn, and then we were helping to organize the protection against that raid in that village, and- I should write this down while it's still fresh, actually!" Xena shook her head affectionately as Gabrielle's demeanor changed in mid-sentence. "What was that warlord's name again? Atticus? Was he in your old army, too? 'Cause it seems like an awful lot of warlords were-" She stopped. All of a sudden she'd had a creepy feeling that the two of them weren't alone... but it was gone now. She cracked a grin and said jokingly, "Hey, Xena. Ever get the feeling you were being watched?"
     To her surprise, Xena held up her hand to silence the bard, and sat up straighter. Listening. She got to her feet, an intense expression on her face, and took her sword in her hand. "Stay down," she whispered to Gabrielle. Gabrielle recognized this reaction- there was someone nearby. And if they had gotten this close already, they were awfully good.
     The warrior focused her eyes on an edge of the clearing they were camped in, but as she took a step forward there was a cry from behind her and a figure attacked her from the back. Damn! How could I have been so off from his direction!? she thought. She had been knocked off-balance, but somersaulted as she hit the ground and got to her feet again in no time. The figure gave a laugh- an almost merry one, she thought rather angrily- and flipped over her head before she even got a good chance to see him. Attempting to calculate where he should land, she lashed out with her foot and got a solid kick in, knocking the figure back.
     The attacker pulled a variation on the same move she had used when she'd been knocked over, and rolled out of range. He spun and swung his sword, but she ducked it just as Gabrielle gasped. Again trying to outthink him, Xena thrust her sword towards her foe and, anticipating his evasion, tripped him. She quickly pinned him down by putting a knee to his back. "Who are you? Did someone send you??" she demanded of him.
     The figure, a man with short dark hair in a strangely attractive shirt and vest, chuckled. "Good, Xena. You're the first person who's beaten me. I figured this would be my ultimate test."
     His voice sounded strangely familiar. Confused, Xena repeated herself. "Who are you?! ANSWER ME!" Gabrielle came to her side and peered down at the man. From her angle she could see his face, and she gasped again.
     "Xena- you won't believe this," she said, her voice a little shaky.
     The man chuckled again. "Am I so different, then, dear Gabrielle?"
     Xena finally remembered the owner of the voice, and released him in shock. "Joxer?!" Her opponent turned around to face the two women, a wide grin on his face. The light from the nearby fire played with the shadows across his face, and the result was- well, quite attractive. Xena and Gabrielle stared at him, unable to believe their eyes.
     "Tell me you're yet another of Joxer's identical brothers," said Xena.
     With a laugh, the man stood, his arms spread wide. Xena took in a breath- he looked fantastic! Wherever he had suddenly gained these fighting skills, apparently they had improved his appearance as well! He spoke. "No, my friend! I am the one and only Joxer the Mighty, and my sword is forever in your service." He took her hand, and before she or Gabrielle could react, bent and kissed it.
     Xena responded smoothly, "Your sword is always welcome with me," a slight smile playing on her face.
     Gabrielle's eyes went wide. "Xena!" she said in disbelief.
     "Hm?" said Xena, as if just remembering that her sidekick was there. "Oh, yes, Gabrielle. Oh, right- Joxer, what happened to you?"
     "Good question," said Gabrielle. I know I'D sure kill to find out. We just saw him about three weeks ago, and he was still the same old loser! How did THIS happen!? She looked at him apprehensively. Something about him seemed familiar- and not just the usual stuff. Something about his whole demeanor, his attitude. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but... It would probably come to her.
     "Well," said Joxer, gesturing towards the campfire site, "why don't we sit down, and I'll explain everything?"
     Xena was staring again. Gabrielle prodded her in her side, and Xena jumped. "Oh! Yes, let's sit down, I want to hear about this."
     Gabrielle was still puzzled by both of her friends' behaviours as she went to sit down. What the heck was the matter with Xena?! She had been around guys every bit as capable as Joxer, and at least ten times more good-looking... Although, Gabrielle had to admit while looking at him, that he did look better than he usually did. But not that much better, she amended hastily. Sure, he always looked a bit less goofy without that stupid helmet on- that was a big plus. And that shirt did help the look of his physique, but- Oh, why should it matter anyway!? The point was, something weird was going on here, and no one seemed to notice it but her.
     "Go on, Joxer. I'm dying to know the formula for going from zero to hero," said Gabrielle acidly. Xena arched an eyebrow, obviously amused.
     Joxer simply smiled, taking no offense at the jab. "The truth is, I owe much of my transformation to the sweet strawberry blonde vision that sits before us-"
     Gabrielle groaned. "Talk normally!" At that, Xena laughed out loud for a moment.
     "Sorry," said Joxer, a little sheepishly. "I guess you could say that I owe it all to Gabrielle."
     Xena arched the other eyebrow, indicating surprise rather than amusement. "To Gabrielle? How's that?"
     "To me?!"
     "Well, yes. I saw a few of the things you wrote about me in your scrolls, you see, and ... well, I just thought about it more and more and I finally decided maybe I should do something about how inept I was. So..." He hesitated, and looked beyond them into the distance. "I trained. I trained night and day."
     Xena was skeptical, and it showed in her voice. "And in three weeks' time you are able to sneak up on us and nearly beat me in an attack."
     "Well... Not quite three weeks. Just under."
     "Joxer, exactly who was your trainer?! I know I'd like to meet them."
     "Uh..." Joxer trailed off and looked away. "My father," he said reluctantly. "I swallowed my pride and returned home to Athens for a while."
     Xena gave a sidelong glance to Gabrielle, who shook her head. There were as many holes in Joxer's story as there had once been in his head, and they both knew it. To start with, Athens was at least four days' travel from here- which left Joxer with just two weeks to have become this adept at fighting. And who could get this good in two weeks?
     Xena humoured him. "That sounds amazing," she said. He did sound like he was telling the truth- Joxer was a terrible liar, after all, and not even training could change that aspect of his personality. Was it possible that he had gone home to train, and one of the Gods had decided to take advantage of him and enhance his abilities for some reason? Who would do that? Ares, maybe... But wouldn't she have heard of the reason by now? She decided to give it another day and she would see the results of this. After all, Joxer had barely been with them for twenty minutes by now.
     Gabrielle spoke. "I influenced you? People have been making fun of you everywhere you go." The fact that the words were cruel had little effect on her- she was used to speaking this way to Joxer. "Why should my reaction have pushed you over the edge?"
     Joxer smiled, and took her hand gently. "Because you are more dear to me than you could ever know, Gabrielle," he said softly. Xena tried to hide an amused grin, and looked away.
     Joxer's words, his tone, even the touch of his hand had a strange effect on Gabrielle. Something stirred in the pit of her stomach, and it wasn't nausea (which would have been expected). It was... something else. Something nice. So she did the only thing she could think of, which was to angry. "Let go of me!" she snapped, and yanked her hand away from him. "Look, Joxer, it's a very nice thought and all, but I couldn't care less about you no matter what kind of idiot you are- bumbling or not!"
     He bowed his head. "Very well. But," he said, looking up and winking at her, "maybe you'll come to see that I'm not such an idiot as you think." She growled and went for his nose with her fist. He caught her hand, turned it over, and kissed the back. "For now, my Gabrielle, good night."
     "Oh, EW! Ugh, that's disgusting! By the Gods!" Gabrielle retrieved her hand and wiped it frantically. Xena was now barely able to hold in her laughter.
     "Good night, Joxer," said the warrior, and she relaxed onto her bedroll. "Gabrielle, are you going to write or not?"
     "Not now, Xena," said the bard, irritation showing in her voice. "I've completely lost my inspiration." She also lay on her bedroll and turned her back on Joxer. Joxer watched the two women for a short while, a contemplative smile on his face, and then settled down on the ground to sleep himself.

     Gabrielle, it turned out, was still as late a sleeper as ever. Neither Xena nor Joxer had the heart to wake her, since Xena had gotten her up at the crack of dawn the day before, and Joxer found her quite adorable while she slept. Well, to be honest, he always found her adorable, but at least while she was asleep he could watch her without having to explain himself. As a result, nearly three hours after sunrise the two were still waiting. Xena spent the time fishing for breakfast, while Joxer watched over his Gabrielle quietly. Alone, he fished through the pocket of his vest and his hand closed over the silver bell Aphrodite had left with him. 'I'm not letting this thing go,' he thought. A bit of experimentation had shown him that he was indeed still vulnerable to the sound of a bell ringing; however, even a small 'clink' from the bell he carried with him would rectify that situation.
     The material of the vest was thick enough to keep the bell from jostling around while he was fighting, so he was confident that no accidents would happen. If he was turned back into his old self- who, by this time, he looked upon with no small amount of contempt- he could reach into his pocket, jingle the bell, and be back to what he preferred to think of as normal in no time flat.
     He sighed as he watched Gabrielle sleeping. Soon, he would be able to share this with her. He was confident of it- he had put his newfound sex appeal to the test during his journey (several times in fact). Aphrodite had been right- no woman could resist him, whether he wanted it that way or not. Gabrielle was the one he wanted, and he wanted her desperately. It was just a matter of time... although she had seemed strangely stubborn in her resistance the night before. Oh well. If she was going to be a tough cookie, he could handle that. He just hoped she gave in soon... It had taken him four days to catch up with Xena and Gabrielle, and that left him with only three days- including today- before he was working for Aphrodite. Whatever she would have him do, he would gladly brave through it, just to kiss her once before his trials.
     Footsteps were approaching. He looked over his shoulder to see Xena coming back with a large fish in each hand. She was sopping wet and looking quite pleased with herself. "Hard workout?" he murmured as she sat down next to him, dropping the fish and taking out her sword to clean them.
     "Exhilarating," she purred in reply, grinning broadly. "You have no idea how satisfying it can be to catch one of these babies in their own element. It just... gets you all worked up."
     Eyeing her, he said, "One of these days you'll have to teach me the finer elements of fishing."
     "I'd love to. Be careful though, in this pastime you will get wet."
     "With you along, I wouldn't expect any less..."
     Xena's grin got wider, and a bit wicked, as she shook her damp hair. "Mmm, well, we'll just have to see who can get the other wetter."
     "WHAT?!" cried another female voice. Joxer and Xena jumped and turned to see Gabrielle sitting up and staring at them both incredulously. "Xena, are you even thinking about what you're saying?!"
     Joxer smiled. "Ah, I see our Sleeping Muse has finally joined us."
     Gabrielle turned a glare sharp enough to kill onto him. "Shut up, Joxer," she growled, before turning on Xena again. "I can't believe you'd flirt with him! With Joxer, Xena!"
     Xena looked confused, and a little disturbed. "I wasn't flirting with him," she said with certainty. "We were only talking about fishing."
     "Oh, sure you were!" Gabrielle dropped her voice an octave, in imitation of Xena. "'We'll have to see who can get the other wetter.' Yeah, that has everything to do with fishing."
     Xena may have blushed, Gabrielle wasn't sure. "What I did or didn't say is of no relevance, Gabrielle. You and I both know I would never flirt with Joxer. No offense," she said, turning to the young man watching them. He nodded in response. "See, even Joxer knows I would never flirt with him."
     "I know what I heard," said Gabrielle firmly. "And I know it was utterly disgusting. You both should be ashamed of yourselves." She stood up quickly and walked away from them.
     Joxer looked at Xena, who gazed back at him with one of her trademark "raised-eyebrow" expressions.
     "I don't know either," he said in answer to the question she hadn't asked.

     By the time Gabrielle had had her bath and breakfast, it was nearing the middle of the morning. The three set off on the road, in silence for once. Joxer took the rear, to "guard" them, he claimed. This irritated Gabrielle yet again, because she rather wished he'd stop acting as though danger lurked at every turn. Xena was a more than capable enough warrior to protect them from anything that could overtake them, and as she had proven the night before, even in Joxer's new state Xena was still a better fighter than he was.
     Still, at the same time, she was glad he was picking up the rear. Talking to him- even seeing him- was making her more and more uneasy. Maybe it was the way he was talking, or the fact that he was going out of his way to flirt with her, the same way he had with Xena. Although, no... he was different towards her than he was with Xena. With Xena the two were really sort of trading innuendo. When Joxer spoke to Gabrielle he was gentle, caring, almost ... loving.
     It was odd, and almost painful to admit, but she very nearly liked it. And that, frankly, scared her. His behaviour was so unlike him that he was getting on her nerves every bit as much as the usual Joxer did! But all of a sudden, when he spoke softly to her and took her hand, something in her started to melt. She had to fight to keep herself from falling prey to his spell.
     ...Spell?
     In a flash she remembered why his behaviour, even his outfit, had seemed so familiar. By the Gods, Gabrielle, could you be more dense!? she asked herself, shaking her head angrily. Aphrodite! That spell from before! Everything was suddenly clear. Joxer didn't seem to be any more aware of the spell this time than he did the last time; maybe he actually thought that his two weeks of training had paid off. In fact, knowing his stubbornness, she might not even be able to convince him otherwise. Best to wait, and find a bell as soon as possible. He wouldn't be able to deny that piece of evidence! She'd also need to wait to find out what Aphrodite's plan was this time. So far Joxer seemed to be nearly in his right mind- as much of a mind as he'd ever had, in any case.
     And, she admitted, if Aphrodite's plan wasn't too bad, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let him stay this way? She remembered how upset he'd been after finding out about the spell the first time- would it really be fair to put him through that again? She'd have to talk to Xena about it first.
     Xena walked evenly, holding Argo's reins. She was trying to puzzle out Joxer's sudden appearance of skills, but at the moment she couldn't stop wondering if she had been flirting with him. With Joxer?! But why? Gabrielle had seemed quite certain, and when she thought about it what she'd been saying hadn't had much to do with fishing, after all.
     But... flirt with Joxer??? She just couldn't get past that. Xena had never thought of him as especially handsome, but she did have to admit that there was something about him now, some... inner confidence...
     No, there was more than that. It was a part of the spell, it had to be. Whichever God had put this spell on him, it was playing havok with her feelings. So why wasn't Gabrielle affected? Stranger and stranger... Whoever had placed this spell on him was going to get theirs. Nice and slow. Xena was tired of being played with by the Gods.
     Joxer took his time in walking, unaware of the thoughts either of the ladies ahead of him were thinking. All he knew was the beauty of Gabrielle's strong back and legs. She had dimples on the backs of her knees! Well, he supposed that could be normal, but he found it especially cute on her.
     This morning hadn't gone very well. He'd hoped that, when she'd woken up, they'd have some time to talk. Unfortunately she'd awoken while he was... conversing... with Xena. He sighed to himself. Just his luck she'd have to see that. Oh well, he did have the rest of the day... Although it was a little upsetting, in that she didn't seem to respond to his words. Should he be acting, rather than speaking? Maybe Gabrielle was a "show, don't tell" type of person. Well, whatever she wanted, he would give as much as she wanted.
     Xena and Gabby were slowing ahead of him. He looked ahead and saw why- two armed men were blocking their way. He caught up with the women and drew his sword.
     Xena did not have hers drawn, but her arm was tensed to go for it at any time. She motioned for him to put his away. Addressing the guards, she said, "What's the problem?"
     "You're Xena, Warrior Princess, aren't you?" rumbled one.
     "Yes," she answered, her eyes narrowing. "We're just traveling through, and thought we would cut through Venascan to save some time. If you wish, we'll take a different route... Unless this is personal business?"
     The guard who had spoken turned to the other, and they conferred in hushed tones. Then he returned his attention to the group. "This village is under the protection of Draco. He will want to see you. Come with us."

go thataway -->